Bint M7amad

Bean or Curse

2011-09-07T11:32:00.006+04:00

I woke up this morning with this question in my head. How hard planting a bean is? My friend Mojo gave me a small envelop with a bunch of beans in it. They had names and symbols. Only You, Thank You, Thanks, Happy Birthday, Happiness and etc. I asked Hubby which one shall i plant he selected Only You. I wanted to plant Happiness, yet i know baby chose it dedicating it to me. That made me happy ^_^

I brought the bean to my office this morning and placed it next to the window. Happiness has been bothering me lately and i have made up my mind this morning. I will be happy, no matter what. Hubby and i had a little fight yesterday but i was not upset about it for the first time.

I know he cares about me the most and i know that things have gotten a little bit rough lately, yet i believe with all my heart that Allah almighty will smile at us soon. The sun always goes down taking away its light, yet it never fails to shine again with rays that light up the world.

So i have decided today, i will I will always be happy as long as my lung breathe and as long as my veins embrace blood. I discovered that on Wednesday after leaving the Optical Clinic i walked hand in hand with Hubby eating a 2.5 Dhs Shawarma and that felt so freaking GOOD.

To be honest i am not sure if the Shawarma was tasty because the guy made it really good. Or because i was holding the hand of guy whom i'd love until my lungs run out of air. I will go this evening alone and try another Shawarma just to make sure or i might take Pinky and Amore along to test it on them.

I have being thinking a lot is making people happy considered an achievement? I believe that's the only thing i am so successful with so far. I fail to make myself happy though, my family and friends make me happy. I was not able to make myself happy.

It doesn't count, does it? I really love to see people happy, smiling from the bottom of their hearts, just like how they look like when they are expecting someone's arrival to at the airport. The glow in their eyes when they make the perfect eye contact with their beloved ones is far more complicated than a simple describable matter.

Why can't we act as if we're picking someone from the airport with a beautiful glow in the eyes and happy smile dancing on the lips.

Why is always more than a three letters word. I even couldn't know why it's that. Can you imagine that there is someone in this world who is cursed with happiness. Wow how would it feel, i can't tell because i haven't been cursed.

May happiness become a curse and an unbroken spell in your life and mine.

Until next time amigos, adios.

A Brave Loss

2011-07-11T14:57:00.004+04:00

Have you ever thought about this:
(What else is there to lose?)

They always say (Fear a man who's got nothing to lose!) I really come back to ask myself, what loss could cause all that? Such anger, such rage and hideous grudge upon a man's poor heart?

And then again i ask once more, what about me, have i lost it? Or is it yet to come, the loss that would bring me down to my knees and fill a cup of tears dripping in a long dark night. Suddenly i go ahead and define my prioritized losses. Is it losing a family member, a husband, a friend, a lover or even a child i bore?

Could all of that or even any be framed with death? If yes then we have nothing except for pain to invade the little red bird that inhabits the cage underneath the flesh and blood of ours. What if it isn't death? Could all of that be defined as a loss of emotions, passion or feelings? A lack of mercy and kindness! Now you know the answer.

What is a loss actually? It is the ache of the fist sized organ or no longer having the beautiful and sweet memories we've embraced, or the laughs we enjoyed once upon a time. Is it the missing hug of a friend, or a kiss between the eyes from a beloved one. Is it the grasp of a newborn who doesn't even know how you relate to him?

Personally speaking i have nothing but condolences upon the late losses. What i know is that life frowns upon us all, me and some other flock of beings. But most of all what causes the loss? How you define it, how you size it and how you manifest it. I can't remember when was i able to stop the time to make a laugh last for few seconds more.

To make a moment last forever is rationally impossible, you know why? Because if it lasted you would never have enjoyed it! Losing someone or something makes you adjust your check list. Count your blessings as they say. Enjoy the cons and pros. If it lasted forever where will the joy be?

That's why we give and take, laugh and cry, love and hate. Losses happen so that we can value life with all its rights and wrongs. That's why my friend this happens, only a fool will always win, a wise man will lose to win.

Until next time amigos, adios.

Words, words, words & words.

2011-07-05T08:18:00.004+04:00

I have a lot going on in my head. I switch off and on the wave of frequency. Communicating with people via the signals i send could be impossibly possible. It happens all the time with my sister and friends. We click at the very same time.

At some point in my life i really believed in (Telepathy) i don't know about now. Lately i have been sending and receiving text and images from the past. What are the chances that both parties are emitting on the very same frequency.

The signal is high and the dreams are active. Reality is most likely to be not. The air is rare when you have the choice to breathe and the sun is cruel like a circus animal trainer. I wake up early morning with the same thought (The sun has come up today too!)

Like i even had a choice. I try to grow and become a little bit more than optimistic. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. All i've got is words and words. Nice ones and sad ones. Nice to give away and sad to keep to myself.

I give some honest ones to my beloved papers and sometimes to the ears or my pens. To make sure that i have a witness to lift me up when i cry in the middle of the night or even after lonely mornings.

I am grateful for what i never had, for i would never know who i am until i've gained it not. Life's the same, yet people keep on changing. Time's the same, and i can assure you words will never change. Yet how we use them always does. It's never what you say, it's the way you say it. The way you word it.

Human beings are a collection of words good and bad ones, evil and innocent, happy and sad. As for me i'm merely four alphabets with intention of doing no bad. Being sad is no longer an option for i will change my vocabulary to childish words so that no bad can harm me.

Until next time amigos, adios.

Unvoiced

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000+04:00

At a certain point of our way, we always stay calm and completely silent. Thinking and thinking. Diving into the deepest if not darkest thoughts that our little brain can bare. Getting angry at our facial expression unwillingly we do.

Staring at nothing and glancing randomly to look at something that might hit us between the eyes to make us change our look. An angry man has glued his hand to the car horn to make a scene and disturb the driving while sleeping individuals.

A child doing some curious thing in early morning waiting for the school bus, blowing his breaths to see how it colors when it touches the cold air. Or even a senseless man crossing the street when the traffic light goes green.

All of that happens and we are perfectly unvoiced. We reach our destination and barely bother to separate our lips, to even breathe or sigh. We brain storm our life every morning, amongst other things. The goals and hopes. The words and dos. The rights and wrongs. Well that what mostly happen with me.

I revise the past, process the events. Plan for no present and hope for a better future. Living on the bless i presume. I live on hope, well kind of addicted to it. Nothing in the air except for praying with hope for a better ending of my life, i had couple of bad ones hence still HOPING for a beautiful one.

Still unvoiced, got the feeling that my head will explode due to the high voltage caused by my nerve system. The only thing that would give you a sign of the battle that takes place inside my brains is how brutally i torture my breaths.

The engine starts when i switch to the turbo mode and then Ka-Boom, i knock my sigh dead. I think people get the possessed by the devil look when that happens. But then all of this is simply eliminated when someone disturbs your battle by saying "Good morning" followed by a smile.

And the day takes flow easily and smoothly if Allah wishes for it, otherwise hope no one gets killed by the person afflicting his/her thoughts every single day early morning.

Until next time amigos, adios.

Like a Star *

2011-06-12T08:05:00.002+04:00

Oh how sweet this feeling is, the way hold me close, how you move you tips and shake your toes. The shivering breaths that you capture and then set free. I count the beats of your little heart as i put my head on your chest.

Listening to symphonies and alien like sounds which no body can understand including yourself. Then you said: "There's a star." "What baby, a star? Where baby?" "You" you said pointing a finger at me.

I hold you close thinking that there's a chance for me to merge into your skin and flesh, i try to act clever and make a move which i know you'd easily restrain. I whisper my smiles so that i don't wake you, my beloved polar bear.

P.S. My husband talks while asleep and he called me a star and inspired me to write this piece, i love you baby *heart*

Unbearable Green & White Acknowledgement

2011-06-02T16:07:00.006+04:00

It's really not fun at all, having yourself giving in for something you absolutely hate. Who can digest that? Seriously who can? I'm a kind of person who wouldn't do something against their will, and doing this EVERY SINGLE DAY, is really unbearable.

The problem is i need it more than it needs me, and interacting with each other is quite minimum, however it's simply as bitter as i would be lying if i said it's actually sweet! And as i am writing down these words, here it comes. Sitting right next to me as i work.

Telepathy! I think not! I was thinking about it, about the fact of how mean it's treated me. And here it is now sitting next to me looking me in the eye and expecting me to greet it with warm hands! Oh believe me my hands will be warm alright!

I tried shifting to white but they are so close to each other, last thing i've learned is that they are actually cousins. Hence i'm the losing part dealing with them both. I have come in contact with the white fellow it looks white but it's technically just as same as the green one.

I really can't deal with them unless they are sweet to me. They have to be. This is what i go through everyday when i drink my green or white tea in the early morning so bitter and mean!

How It All Began...

2011-04-12T15:29:00.008+04:00

"Life sometimes gets weird, either sweet weird, strange weird or bad weird none is optional. Probably imagination plays a part for the sweet and bitterness are lovers whose vows are forbidden. But then again who am i to complain, i'm just a lover, aren't i?"

This is how it all began, the eyes have met and the smile was cast. The fingers touched then the words were spoke. A gaze then a pause ended with chin relying on five fingers. One voice was loud and the other was soft.

A question mark drowned along with the flood of words, the answer never surfaced, a sigh was born then a breath learned to crawl. It started raining thoughts out of the sudden. After a pause or two words got lost.

I love you was said followed by a (TOO). Who said it won't matter for the feeling was mutual. Who started matters the most for that was the reason i found what i was looking for, or was found to be honest!

There was no room for fights, only whispers not said nor heard. I couldn't see anybody watching, you see i have lost the

C la V~

2010-12-08T20:04:00.008+04:00

How wonderful could life be? Shocking, unpredictable and wondrous it becomes one day after the other! Still more is to come i know v_v. We only learned little bit of you didn't we life?

How mysterious are you? How beautiful are your turn of points? I can't help to wonder. Good or bad no matter every body is getting their piece of life's cake. Let's just hope you don't have cake allergy.

I'm a vanilla person heart to soul. My heart is perfectly at peace which more than enough for me. I say thanks to Allah (sebhaneh o ta'ala) for the grace i've been blessed with.

My soul is still roaming around searching for something. I haven't figured out yet what is missing, but i am not going to stop. My metal detector always comes in handy, i'll keep looking and i'm sure one day a green light will flash and a sweet buzz will sing.

Dear Allah, i know i am not as good as i should be, but i know with all my heart that your generosity will guide me and i'll find the way please be with me. Guide the path i take, for i am willing to walk through the thorns to reach my stars.

It certainly is C'est La Vie, and I will always have faith... ^_^

Until next time amigos

Old Days...

2010-12-07T08:40:00.001+04:00

Today we had a gather up in the office because 100+ years ago (the plus sign is just to be fair v_v) our manager got married and today is his anniversary. Also it was my colleague's Hubby's Birthday. So we cut the cake, abused the cake and then killed the cake, and everybody lived happily ever after.

No not really, some people from the Spider Inc. in addition to our Boss who sat with us and remembered the old days. We talked about a lot of things and missed everything from the new era of Pokemons while laughing our hearts out. It was really fun.

Two cavemen sat down and the Boss caveman stood by the door telling us about the old floppy disks of 5.5 capacity or whatever that is (i was born after the B.C. so forgive the errors in delivering old history information)

Most of the black pages were published and laughter was heard. No laughter was to be compared to Pinky's laugh it was the most beautiful of them all. We tried to make up codes and names for people whose names were at the top of our black lists.

We have finally agreed to call the peasant Mr. Battatta and every body else wanted to avoid the names part so that they don't get being picked on, err i mean fired. They also gave me some advices for my yet to come life (like i would take a word they tell me *cough cough*)

ANYWAYS, bless the Dial-Up sound effects soul for our most beloved memories when we first discovered the Internet hehehe. I laughed a lot and then coughed even more (a natural cause and effect) The moral of today's journal is only chocolate will abuse your mentality, we spoke about the poor old days and how blessed they were.

It was a nice gathering the whole university administration building received a piece of our minds that day and life is beautiful and so am i xD

Until next time.

I wrote this piece on April 4th, 2010.

The Day That I've...

2010-09-21T10:49:00.003+04:00

Another old draft i've written 3 weeks before my wedding hehehehe

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Okay so like 3 weeks ago i have registered my little sister and myself in the Officers' Club gym. Things were different to us for it's our first time to do such thing. Honestly, seriously, completely and absolutely we looked hilarious like a couple of tourists visiting a foreign country for the summer vacation.

As everyday passed we learned that we have to bring our training gadgets, sneakers, training pants, Tees etc. As we have never seen that on TV before, lol. Anyways, we started on a Monday, which Monday was it don't even ask, didn't i mention that was three weeks ago. Yeah so you can count the Mondays three weeks ago and you'll know the specific date!

Every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday, it's the ladies swimming pool timings. I really hate men for having the swimming pool most of the week. So like TOTAL couple of novice we arrived with a very weird look on our faces when we saw the water, as if we never had.

Anyways, slowly i dipped myself in the water and a very very very strange feeling took over all my senses. It really was weird, then the water and i have become one. I started with the Olympic pool which is 24 meters deep.

You have no idea how scary it looks like for people who can't swim, people like myself. What i did at the start was hanging my hands at the side of the pool and training my biceps to get fit. Later on, i have come to realize that there was a pool for novice where they can learn the basics of swimming.

I went there excited to see how things are like there, guess what i have found little children and women who couldn't swim like moi, hehehe. I tried to book some swimming classes with the swimming instructor there but her schedule was really busy that i couldn't.

So i have come to an arrangement, i asked the instructor to tell me what to do and i did it. To start with, i tried to relax, it's hard to do so when you've never been near the water for over 15 years, seriously dudes i'm not kidding.

So how did i look like? Not swimming at all, i ended up fighting the water, wiping off the false tears over my face and to wrap all this up i played the role of a girl how's suffocating in bathtub. A very LOUD gasp and coughs which are scary beyond all reasons.

Every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday i'd do the same. Life is cruel so is Davy Jones, hehehe. Until one day, if i remember correctly, it was May 23, 2010. The opening of Media Students Gallery at Ghaf Gallery. My sister is one of those students and i was invited.

Everything was telling not to go swimming that day but i went anyway. I forgot my swimming apparel at home, yet i insisted on my sister to get them from home. She had a dozen of things to do at the gallery, interviews, printing and much more, though she went.

So to make a backup i asked my friend Pinky to get me a spare apparel just in case. Poor one she did, and as huge i am and as small as she is her clothes were tight that i couldn't breathe but i managed.

I was going in and out the pool every 10 minutes or so to call my sister and ask her geographical location. Phones with cameras aren't allowed at the pool during the days specified for ladies.
*ring, ring, ring, ring*

Koko: "Hello!"
BM: "Hey, where are you?"
Koko: "I'm on my way, no worries i will make it. But honestly you should come with us to the gallery"
BM: "Oh dudes no, can't do i really have to train a bit, i hate missing my schedule up! I catch up, seriously!"
Koko: "Okay then, we are on our way"
BM: "Like how long will it take you to be here?"
Koko: "We're near, around 10 minutes"
BM: "Okay, then i'll be waiting"
Koko: "All right, see ya"
BM: "Bye"

*click*

That 15 minutes and we're near of her took around 30 minutes *grrrrrr* before those 30 minutes elapsing something happened. It never happened to me before and it happened during that time. Didn't i just say that hehehehe.

I dipped into the Olympic pool again, took a very deep breath and started to swim my muscles off, exactly like an epileptic person. Swimming forward for a bit then acting like a retard frog for a while, you know this and that.

I didn't have any goggles before that day, but believe me afterwords i never swim without them. I always swim by the side of the pool so i can hang on to it when i run out of breath. The time has come and my lungs ran out of oxygen.

I opened my eyes and found myself in the middle of the pool, the first thing that hit my mind is that i'm REALLY far from the side of the pool. Secondly, the only thing i could ever think of was (Start panicking Asma, start panicking before it's too late, start NOW!)

LOOL! You should have seen me i looked really hilarious, "HELP + bubble sound + HELP + bubble sound + HELP" bleleleleleblolololololoblulululululu you know something like that.

My savior jumped into the water and saved me, thank God i didn't do the kiss of life thing it would have seemed really bizarre thank you very much! Poor thing her name was Shakira, and she had phone in her pocket when she jumped after me. I bit she'd never forget my face for what i've done to that helpless phone T_T.

I got out of the water and every one was looking at me, i changed and headed to the Ghaf Gallery i arrived with extremely red eyes just like how SpongBob looks like when he's not doing OKAY O_O. I mingled in with the people in the gallery complimented my sister's work plus other things.

Had more than one mini cup-cakes, actually i had a lot and became an addict ever since XD, we wrapped the night and headed home and then... Err that's really it nothing else happened we went home; i'm running out works, please stop reading, Bye.

Immigrants!

An Evil Wish~

2010-09-21T09:40:00.005+04:00

This morning i've decided to unravel some of my hidden drafts, i wrote this journal on the 2nd of Mar, 2009

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I can't seem to understand nor able to read myself anymore. The sweetest of moments i could be enjoying this very instant have passed me by waving goodbye! They flew high above where my sight can no longer reach them.

In simple terms, they had wings of pain growing above their heads with the very early seconds their eyes embarked to recognize the light. I can never deny the that i've shed a lot of tears for a lot of people and in return they only hurt me with a rusty knife to make my pain even greater, but with all that i can never ever hate them!

I don't know i sometimes wish if i was really really evil or a bad person to deal with all this craziness surrounding me to add a bit more to it so all this insanity would make sense and nasty people will only become nasty people plus one!

Surprisingly, the sun has just came up and my day started with some peaceful breeze yet i had this mysterious want-to cry for one more time for the sake of some die-hard memories i try to forget every single day! The scene was ruined and i was forced to re-shoot the whole film the next morning.

It consumes a lot of energy to start over you know. To forget, to change and create opportunities for yourself to live the moment normally. To act as a total jester so someone could criticize you, on the other hand no one bothers to do so, they merely NEVER speak of you!

I wish i could laugh my heart out and just enjoy what's left of the day. The harder i try to take more steps forward the far i fall behind the end is so far away and your expectations will surely betray you. Sometimes i wonder how would my life look like and be like if i was really evil, if i could make someone or just a regular someone; anyone at all cry or at most feel BAD!

I have wished for that hell of times to tell you the truth. However, my genie in the bottle never came out to grant me that wish, i don't know if i should finish this line with fortunately or unfortunately!

I really hate the fact that the word (Kind) exists in my dictionary i swear by Allah's name i don't enjoy being kind, i'm merely good at it. "It's" really nice to have someone who really appreciates what you do for their sake, i care less to hear a (Thank You) the sun will shine again and i'm going to have a hell of a wonderful day with every single aspect and meaning that wonderful carries amongst its letters.

Someone once told me, "When people hurt you, go hard on them instead of yourself, what you're actually doing is making things more and more impossible for yourself, you're hurting yourself more not them."

Even for those times when i held my silence, that wasn't a weakness it's totally strength. I simply held my evil deep within so i don't hurt YOU or SOME anyone else. But then imagine myself destruction and it's like for me to bear all this!

I will always wish You the best of thing and always supplicate for Your happiness even though You're gone, gone for good and gone to leave behind a deep wound that will hunt me forever and will never make me rest in peace.

How Much I do

2010-03-10T17:00:00.000+04:00

Good morning love, i know that lately a lot of things have changed and we're fighting almost every day. I really hate it when we do because i feel really weak and that i can't be my usual self. I can't be strong when i know that there's pain in both of our hearts.

You know better than anyone how strong i am, yet i can't be other than a little helpless creature when something goes wrong between the two of us. You're right it's due to our powerful love, yet what can i do when i have no one in my heart but you to give all this love to?

People do strange and rather stupid things when they're in love i know that, yet i never mean to hurt and i know that you never mean to do so too. Sometimes i think to myself maybe i'm asking too much of you. Of your heart, love and care. Then what can i do, i really love you.

It's the smallest of things that you might do can brighten up my day and make me the happiest alive. But then when i get the feeling that i'm not even existing in your world i can't help it, i can't do anything but to get hurt. I hate it when it happens because as i said i feel helpless and weak and that i'm pushing myself to where i can't reach.

I don't want you to feel bad about what i'm about to say, and it's not that you're making it worse but honestly my heart is used to pain and four walls of the small little one cracked since ever. I just need some care to mend it up properly so that it can handle all the love i have for you.

My heart is fragile, handle it with care, for it love s you more than its love for life, but then again i know that you're my life and i'm desperately in love with you. By the time you wake up and you read this i really wish that you love me more than you do and please note that everyday i helplessly become crazy about you! I love you baby Bu M7amad.

After Forever

2010-03-10T16:55:00.001+04:00

It was another cold morning. Well considering the fact that i rarely wear jackets in Winter and that i live outside the city the desert is always closer than ever. It's the desert wind that can rip off your skin. I was really exhausted and quite lazy, yet i didn't stretch not even once.

Everybody else was, except for me. Everybody stretched their skin, their faces and even their joints . I was merely stretching my breathes because i sighed a lot that morning.

I got my eyes fixed on the wind trying to trace its whereabouts. It was perfectly clear yet i could see it. With two eyes and an uncounted number of eyelashes i stayed focused and angry. When i focus i usually look angry for some reason. I concentrated on what i couldn't actually see. Well, it's not something new to tell you the truth.

I didn't quite absorb the idea of what was happening because i was trying to see the wind. He was in the wind. Yet i couldn't see. It happened so quickly and rather so soon. We used to go together a lot. It's normal we grew up together, we know each other.

He's my mirror and truth. He's my day caretaker for we breathed the very same air we went out together. I can't believe that he's gone. Wish it was me who took off instead of him. For i feel like a basketball hanging around the rim.

So between two options of falling in or falling out. To that ball, I lost! I lost the smile I used to wear every time I saw him. I lost the optimism he used to feed me when I fail. I lost the spirit he used to force me to wear when we decide to beat some one either physically and mentally.

I lost a true friend who'd never come back. But the question is can I really move on? I really wonder if I could ever have the manual of stepping one foot after the other when learning to walk again, smile again or even cry for once after your departure. I never cried that's why the guilt sucking up the life in my veins within a heart you taught me once that it physically lies underneath my ribs. I know that life sucks, yet people do too. People like me.

We promised that we'd be brothers and friends forever, but when forever finishes it's the after forever that's really scary, it's after forever that counts. I know you're gone and you're never coming back. Yet, what I know for sure is that we were the idiots who thought that we can make our own after forever, my beloved brother.

Rhythm and Rhymes

2009-12-20T12:41:00.002+04:00

I hate rhyming words,
For my letters are sharper than swords,

Rhyming is for luxurious girls,
Silver pens in hands of pearls,

As for me i use words that are real,
So you'd perfectly understand how i feel,

In nights that are darker than blue,
I've lost contact with a word of two,

To resemble what's true and what you'd believe,
I won't play innocent for i'm smart not naive,

Should i be the judge or should i be the jury,
I've got no gavel and eyes burn with fury,

For promises you have made but you've never kept,
And in the arms of my enemy you have slept,

I shall raise the sword and spread the word,
For you've played a golden guitar yet the wrong cord.

Left White & Red Right

2009-12-18T00:29:00.001+04:00

Streets of the ocean raged in calmness. Wish it was an ocean though, well no not really. I just picked the word to pretend that i'm cool. I can't swim so i prefer land better. It was an ocean of sand and aisles of asphalt.

With darker than black ink spread within the veins and everything was painted with what you wouldn't want to name - Black. I was only seeing two colors white and red dancing before my eyes.

My left eye saw white and red what was my right eye victimized. I probably breathed twice during that day once when i reached work and the other when i left. When i drank water, every one was able to see.

Not because water is clear, but because they witnessed me holding and kissing a helpless under aged bottle (500 mls) with my eyes fixed to the ceiling - i know not quite romantic. I can't seem to remember what day it was. But i can surely recall that i was sad.

And now i'm completing this helpless piece of writing after exactly 7 months and 12 hours and i don't know how many mintues. I want to blank my brain or head whichever gets formatted first. My eyes are a mix of white and red. Not because of what i said. But because of the red clouds floating in the whitest of skies.

I swear to God it's merely a coincidence i'm wearing red pajamas at the moment. White is what is actually not. Black is what i lack to be an effective part of this world. White gets dirty easily everyone's stamp leaves a mark, but i can't.

I want to have amnesia i swear i do, so helpless and restless can't breathe like a normal human being nor see what is seen. I merely make the mistake over and over again. Betting that i won't get wet standing in the rain.

This one is dedicated for the mutual feeling of helplessness and restlessness of poor souls that keep roaming in the emptiness of nowhere. The nowhere of pure hearted innocents of them all, for i know we'll never have the chance at all!

P.S. I got the inspiration of the title from the streets of the highway my left eye saw the coming cars fully beaming the lights on my left side and my right eye caught the red of the cars in front of me.

Rosaries

2009-10-07T10:30:00.001+04:00

I count not the objects, but merely the beat. The flesh and blood of 5 friends who their counting I repeat. I count them everyday to insure they are still the same. For they are quite different, nonetheless they have "A" name.

I make sure that their number still stands or sits. Then i start to ask for forgiveness. I close my eyes not, and i dry my tears not. I feel content with the question and request. I'm merely nothing but a humble of human who's full of sins.

I wonder how a heart could change its place to where it could neither exist nor belong. You might call me a liar and i will never give in. Down there it moved, to speak of what is not wrong and what is right and yet not true. I'm sure you will eventually believe what i tell you...

My friends mix with no objects only blood, flesh and bones. As i keep crying for forgiveness i make my voice change into sweet tones. Like birds who sing i forget all that worries me and relax in no time like an none living thing.

My flesh and blood rosaries i will never stop touching you, for i want you to glow brightly on the day when i will be able not to look at you.

NOTE: In case you didn't understand what i have written above, i simply don't like Rosaries so i used my right hand to ask for forgiveness for i want them to brightly glow to make them my witness.

A Crying Ocean in a Zero-Star Restaurant!

2009-08-08T22:42:00.008+04:00

It wasn't an ocean that raged, it was an ocean that cried. It cried so much until its tears got so wet, whose responsibility is it? White tears on a blue face. Surprisingly there were no eyes to shed those white tears.

It only needed a broken heart for starters and a dark atmosphere for dessert! It wasn't a last supper though, it was the beginning of something sweet. With only one diner and no reservation, life was literally finally getting better, despite the fact that someone has cried.

It's not about the food, it was barely edible. Words on empty plates and letters with no spices. My life has stopped me for a dine in, although it was a zero-star restaurant and the chef is actually illiterate he can't read his recipes. I thought why not, until i saw the chairs.

They were chairs made of sharp rocks. I thought to myself "Nah, i'd go for take-out." Yes okay i admit, the table clothing was nice. They had no candles and i thought to myself that they were more of bald tables.

The hair on the table would be illustrated with vases hugging bloody roses. Well i've been told and they have said. You too have heard it once or couple of times at least. As you have ears and eyes to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I know you know, i know you've heard the answer before.

IMPORTANT NOTE: As your answer will influence the balance of the mother nature be sure your answer is not being affected by any foreign or domestic threats!

Walk the line and listen to what your conscience is telling you. Build the castles for people who live near the shore. They're used to their houses falling apart. They don't mind.

To be continued...

I [Heart] Him

2009-07-14T17:29:00.009+04:00

I'll tell you the story of my beloved mother. A 37 years of age fine woman. She was and still is the most beautiful amongst her sisters and friends. She was born in December. To become so fine, she had a very loving father.

He gave her everything he had and to be more accurate he was her everything. No one could ever love her the way he did. As for me i'm really trying to follow his lead.

Not only that, his love, her passion how they loved each other created an unbelievable bond no one could really understand. Who do i love more? I really am confused! I can't actually love one more than the other.

To think about it reasonably, the father was the reason the daughter raised and the daughter is the proof of the father's existence. Once, i was sitting with her talking to her about him.

Do you know what she told me?

"It's not about how i've grown, what i've become or even who i am" she paused, sighed and then said "It's merely for the pride that fills my lungs to the veins when someone mentions his name (Zayed)" said the United Arab Emirates.

She loves him, i love him, we all love him!

(May Allah rest his soul ~ The Late Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan)

Who I am & What I Do... <-- (3 dots)

2009-05-10T13:22:00.002+04:00

If you're the one who reads what i write, i'm the one who listens to what you might say. I could sense your worries and read between the lines as well. I used to be the devil in car, but now i'm just a writer!

Mark my words as i will never take back what i said once or even twice. Here i am sitting alone, watching the walls with great caution. I can't remember how many times i've blinked today. I will count tomorrow.

The cold air was the background music as i'm so not in the mood for writing. So hungry and trying to bribe my eyes not to fall asleep. No one was there except for me. Turning to my left to stare at whiteness. Without realizing that i should be careful how i move my arms, i hit the bottle. And it fell down.

I leaned to grab it and place it back to where it was. Gazed at the sweat drops that covered the little bottle. Usually the drops would float on the surface of the water. However, this bottle had its perspiration of drops beneath the surface! I scared the little one!

The bottle name was Masafi. It was 500 mls old it can't grow though. It was to be reborn if they wanted the little bottle to grow. In other words, recycled. I wanted to be friendly and start a topic.

The bottle however, will just keep the only one eye it has looking at the ceiling and will never blink to make an eye contact with me. I wanted to smirk the fact that it always stands and never sits, but changed my mind because that would be mean.

I have noticed that i talk about things more than people! Check my previous entries and debate with me. For my army will be gathered before you know and the sun will pause its rising just to make me win the battle of losers!

For the worst of the good is another loser living the era of no time. Trying so hard to be what they can't become to prove the fact of nothingness, just like what i'm doing right now.

Lying to the lines talking to me every day. Believing that i will be okay tomorrow. Until it actually is A-OKAY in a while i will be resting my case. The battlefield will take a place on my papers.

I will be fighting their tongues and will have the eye of my pen witnessing the tragedy of a murdered in cradle hero - me!

P.S. I read something beautiful today,
(Don't argue with an idiot, people will not be able to differentiate between the two of you)

The Evil Circle .O.

2009-05-10T12:09:00.000+04:00

I think i need some distraction! For i have a lot of my energy focused on something that will certainly take me down along with the ship floating in the air. I tried to think of a painful facts, i tried to think of a teeth-less child laughter. It's hopeless. I'm still focused 0_0

None of the mentioned above was helpful. The only thing that succeeded to distract me was the evil circle. It was unlike what will usually seize down my wild thoughts, it was new and peculiar.

For so many days now, the red circle kept banging against the four walls of my skull. The first time i have ever seen it was the 22nd of Feb, three days before my younger sister's birthday and the independence day of Kuwait.

I never knew that the evil red existed at all! I'm best friends with the orange circle. That was good enough for me. Although mum hated her so very much. Tried everything in her governmental powers to separate us.

Nonetheless she failed like hundreds. She's still trying and still failing. I admire her perseverance though. I hated pretending that i don't speak to her anymore. But i had to do it, at least in mum's presence.

But when the mums are away, i will certainly call on the orange circle and hell yeah we would play. During the day when i first laid eyes on the circle of red evil i was mentally and physically full of pain. I'm not saying that red resembles evil, but do you think this is a coincidence? I think not!

I'm the very last person to make assumptions, i always ask the questions. Yet the circle had no ears to hear my questionings! I had a fight with my sister and my best friend one day before we met.

Abu Dhabi was crowded due to the IDEX exhibition. I got stuck in the traffic for literally three hours taking my sister to college and another three hours going back home to catch up with mum before she leaves to Egypt.

I was moving my baby boo one inch every five minutes. I had the cauldron of rage and anger boiling above my neck. The boiling needs heat and heat consumes energy. I ran out of energy and self control before i could even notice.

The the sound of my silent breaths knocked me down. I stopped on the way back to think a little. It was not doing me any good. My energy was consumed to some number below the zero. I live on a pair of Duracell.

On the way back i tried to push my baby boo - Abya'6a - to go beyond extremes a little bit. It was my first time ever - so far i didn't do it yet. Just a bit more to see mum before she leaves. I didn't head home, for my black dudes took a different path. They walked me down the road that led to the red evil circle.

It was 260 km/h wasn't long until the circle divulged. It wasn't as red as blood, it was darker. I haven't realized that i can't push her any further. She was at her limits too and so was i. We were both sad since that unlovely Saturday. I didn't bathe her. She has every right to be angry with me. Yet she didn't disappoint me.

Wordless!

2009-04-20T09:57:00.006+04:00

It feels really odd. It's quite strange. The amount of the words that i think of and form daily. I will not exaggerate but i write around 3 journals in my head on daily basis and if i was lucky enough one of them would be able to see the light.

Scenes and lines. Names and nicks. Characters out of this world and evil that was born only in this world. Imagine the combination of survival. Who would win and who will hold his head down in shame to be the loser who's simply given in. Simply lost when he could have gone a little bit farther to cross the line. To win the race.

But you know what, sometimes it beat me too. The amount of fear that takes over me when my mouth is so full of letters. Capital and small letters that i sometimes can't put together. Although i'm a writer, i can be wordless every once in while, or shall i say i'm letter-less now.

Sometimes i think the alphabets only existed my-solo-sake. But then if i was to try and make a word of my own those letters betray me. Leave me there in white space of an adult page that i can't deal with. That i can even write on.

A very strange conduct of letters that sometimes i feel they have ganged up on me to bully the little writer i have within. Wasn't very long for the war of words to start attacking. I grabbed my ever lasting companions my pen and a blank piece of paper to write a peace treaty.

The pen was only the messenger delivering the shivers my hand was producing. Who am i to joke about this war? If a line smiles, it doesn't mean that he likes you, it means that he's going to eat you! Yet you all know how optimistic i am. And how my hopes are always taller than the 166cm of my skeleton. Even if they exceeded my height with 1 or 2 cm, that still make them taller.

The world is weird and so is the Strawberry cheesecake! And what does that have to do with anything, i really have no idea. I can get Cuckoo from time to time. Cuckoo is strange and strange is nice once in a blue moon, wouldn't you think?

My Guardian Ant~

2009-04-14T12:49:00.010+04:00

I knew that ants exist. I've seen them long time ago, if my memory serves me well the first time we have ever met was when i was a child. I can't be sure though, about my first encounter with them. Was it before or after kindergarten? It bothers me so much i can't recall correctly.

When your host (that's me v_v) used to be primary school, she was more concerned with the pain of being bullied by the other girls. Being friends with the ants didn't cross her mind. Years go by, we all know that, and the writer grew up to go to preparatory school.

I used to be the first girl who arrives at school. As it was next to my house and i used to go on foot. I used to stop by the grocery store to by a bar of Toblerone white and then kick off to school. Every Wednesday however, i introduce a news paper to the Toblerone white from the very same grocery store.

They don't shake hands - i wondered when will they every do. They are quite sure of this though. They are forced to meet every Wednesday. The shift changes on weekly basis, so the the couple of the last week will never be familiar with next week's couple and etc.

For their confidentiality i never revealed their code names. The Toblerone white never survived, but the Gulf News did. Why the Gulf News? Three reasons and the third simply has nothing to do with anything.

Number one, i was so in love and so crazy about the TV programs guide they distributed along with the paper every Wednesday. Number two, i have this passion for English since i was a child. So i though the words in the paper would be friends with the words i was already familiar with. Number three, Toblerone has always made me feel good for no particular reason (and still does) Oddly, it never asks for something in return for that "good" it makes me feel!

Our classes were so quiet and bleak. I would get there and they would still be asleep. Us the students never dared to disturb them as we were actually expecting the school to fall down on our heads due to how OLD it was. However, the teachers never bother nor gave a damn about the sleeping classes, for their true wish was that the school collapses over the student heads.

I remember walking holding my head down, not out of shame. Hell no!!! I was only counting the bricks on the floor of the school ground. I walk fast, and count so quickly and hope that my lungs won't betray me. Then i simply get busy with the amount of air i have to rent every minute my heart races and then i miscount and start over the next morning.

I start with the class directly to my two o'clock, and i end up with the one next to the play ground. They called it a basketball court but all i could find was two football goals. A single goal keeper never existed.

I used to take my paper and go in the middle of the "basketball court". I sit down with my back crooked. Turning the pages with my left and eating my beloved white triangles with the right.

While reading an article a little ant came to spy on me. She didn't scare me. Why did i say she? It was a girls' school. I thought it would be fun if i try to capture her. I cornered her with my V fingers and formed the perfect triangle with the left index of the other hand.

VOILA!!! Was circling around within the finger triangle. I have noticed that there were a couple of poor white chocolate pieces left. I took a tiny piece of it and gave it to her. I set her free.

I swear to Allah she took it, went away and brought more friends, three or two. To tell you the truth, at first i though they would bully me just like every body else. But they didn't - phew.

We've become good friends ever since. And i brought them Toblerone white every single day. Except for Ramdhan when i used to fast. Of course there was a round-two of years go by. I've matured up and i work now.

And we have ants who work for and with us at the company. I don't meet them in the play ground. I meet them in the washroom. One day after work, i went home exhausted and took a boiling shower - as i said a boiling shower.

During the process of my boiling, i felt that there's something on my tummy. I took a look and there was an ant. I thought my eyes are deceiving me and the small mole on my tummy has changed its place.

I looked at the bathroom walls and was almost asking them, (Is this really an ant?) looked at my tummy again and i started to recognize the ant crawling on my skin.

I clipped her/him it with my fingers. It wasn't the school so it couldn't tell if the ant was a he or she. Gave her/him a death look and i blew the ant away. Can you believe that this ant was on my skin all day and didn't bite me. It was really kind of the ant to guard me rather than bite me. I was mean i know.

I can't write about ants any more, although i have so much to tell.
ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT ANTS I FEEL STINGS ALL OVER MY BODY THIS VERY INSTANT.

An Upward Curve

2009-04-07T10:19:00.008+04:00

Hmm romantic wise, i really want to know who will be my partner. I sometimes get excited just for asking this question, who will he be? And other sometimes i stand before the mirror of reality which clearly reflects how things will certainly take a different direction, either for the better or worse no one knows, not even the mirror.

I think about the names. I list a bunch of letters and force at least four names under each letter. Then i ask, if his name was (........), what his father's name be and his mother's? Even if i knew the names, i will still ask the questions. I believe in names. Every one of us has a piece of his name.

Eventually i start building up castles if not kingdoms. Such castles are usually built on the sands. However, mine are always built on the surface of the ocean. Either the water is clear or not i build them anyways. Then i think to myself, the wind can't hurt me though, not anymore. Well i am not sure, but i mostly suppose.

I will crown my king with the upside down red triangle. The one that i seize behind my ribs. And as for him, no one will ever get to be his soul mate except for me. Otherwise i will bite him and i'm not kidding. I just go amazed, when i think about the chances of not having a king like him.

I mean i can't even be sure if i was to be lucky for being the one who gives away the upside down red triangle. But what's even better and unbelievably great, is that i get to be chosen to be the soul mate queen.

The cast of this dream movie was done by an invisible individual (not existing yet, and betting her chances to actually do) who sometimes loses her balance every time she spots his skull. She was quite unpredictable as at certain points she couldn't tell if she was the one who she actually is!

Her kingdom grew and invaded some helpless dreams that lived on the suburbs of her lands. One of the evil deeds she thought of doing is just imagining. I mean merely imagining, how will it feels if she invaded the (face on the other end) village.

The kingdom eyes were only fixed on one thing in particular in that village. A very charming pair of curves that make everything shine every time she sees them. Even if she was to be mad or burdened for some reason only an upward curve upside down will help taking all that away.

Her kingdom become very greedy and wanted to now the feeling if she tries to abduct those amazing curves. However, when the abduction is done those curves will be straightened. And the friends residing at the top of the column of those straightened curves will tell her everything she needs to know.

I just happen to realize that we commonly use the term (The Crown of My Head) something like that. As for someone who is only suitable for a king he will surely be (The Crown of My Heart)

I still want to abduct that pair of curves, and if you tell me it's a taboo what i'm thinking of. I will simply answers my dreams will never be taboo, as they are only dreams. And i confirm it for one last time, i will not try to ask nicely i will merely abduct my lovable curves.

An Assassination Story (AAS)

2009-04-02T09:02:00.034+04:00

Some people like to read the story. Where some others simply like to listen to a story being told. I here by the power giving to me by the state of this blog present to you a story of someone who desperately wanted to be known, so wanted to be heard.

The firing squad stood inline. I refused to have the blindfold. I wasn't afraid to make a straight forward eye contact with my shooters. On the other hand they actually were. None of us knew who possessed the bullet. I wouldn't say that he was to feel prettier, it would only make him uglier.

What time was it? No one dared to distract the air surrounding all of us. We were cautiously inhaling our breaths. Couldn't put much energy into asking a single question.

Even the air was to listen along to the story. Until the very end. Until the line which will determine how it was and how it ended. Either they lived happily every after. Or this one too was tailed with the (dot) at the end of the line. To make this story just like any boring daily routine.

I took a deep breath. Here i go. And then i froze. I then gazed because i could almost swear that a tender breeze almost kissed my lips. I smiled and every one was amazed for it is my first time i could ever do.

My squad learned that it was to begin. They however, found it impossible to hide the glare of their eyes. They totally loved it, to see my mouth smiles for the first time, since we've met.

Never commented not to make me feel weak, neither lose their values of being the predator. I thought to myself Should it happen once, it will certainly happen again. Don't take me slightly!

And they sat down. They adjusted themselves to harmonize with their weapons. With their rifles pointed to their hearts. They shaped a perfect dotted line if you were look at them from above. But as i was facing them they looked like a picture frame leaning on their guns. They were holding their heads down with respect to hear my breaths.

In complete silence they sat, waiting for my signal so they could function their hearing to listen to my words. Making bets with what letter will i start today. Each one of them drew a letter on the sand. Other than that, the hour seemed so peaceful, and i wasn't afraid to narrate my story for one more time.

I couldn't tell though, if i was to finish today, or bare one more day with a guilt of leaving my story untold. Though it wasn't my first time to do so. I couldn't help the chills that were running through my spine. I looked like a child taking sides, once with guilt and once with pleasure.

They obviously became so confused themselves, that they didn't bother to ask who would side with today. I was so excited and looking forward to their reactions. Most importantly, amongst the guilt and pleasure, i cared to know how would my audience react to the rest of my story today.

My assassination was conditional. They were only to execute me once i finish my story, not before. That's why i said no one would bother what hour it was. I had my back resting against a giant gravestone.

So there i was leaning with my thin body - i've lost weight that's why - against the "gravestone". It was the wall of my cell it wasn't the inside. This time too, it was the very same wall but from the outside. It was absolutely a gray coincidence. How my cell walls and any regular grave stone looked alike!

My eyes are scanning the members of my squad, i stood up. I turned around and faced my grave stone. For the first time, i wanted them to see the eyes in the back of my head. As my words will reflect just like the radar that bats have.

I will finish the story today! I thought if i was to touch the top of their heads and the bottom of their hearts with out even looking at them. Then my story can certainly make a difference.

"What letter do you think i will begin with today?" i asked. No one answered, which means they all have guessed the wrong letters. I laughed and they were disappointed that i have beaten them "again".

They quietly put their chins in their right hands, and the left they wiped off the wrong letters on the sand."So let's begin now, shall we."

To be continued...

FoolS vs(capitaL doT) WisemeN

2009-04-01T11:07:00.011+04:00

My lungs breathe perplexity every once in a while, around 5 times a day! We all do, don't we? It totally feels unusual and some how new, yet i've been painted with this pattern before. As most of us if not all have already experienced some unexplainable matters, nevertheless we can't ignore the fact that everything happens for a reason, well correct everything does.

But once the mysterious little one shows up you never try to base your theory on common sense nor attempt to start your question with any of the four (WH)s sisters~ At the bottom of this post you will find out how i learned the solid facts about the following line!

"Fools give you reasons, wise men never try!" For this particular line, i've come to realize that it's definitely true. We un/willingly give in for our reasoning(s) which only take a place upon our wants, desires and needs.

Each of those three is prioritized accordingly. But even if they were randomly chosen, we use a reason to random them! Just like how we are so certain that first question is always false when writing an assessment~

Perfectly like how the most of us start on the very wrong foot. A lot of great people did in the past. Of course there's a first time to everything, however nothing works out fine at the very first attempt, but if you're lucky enough it might!

Now, why do i start every word i write at the beginning of the line with a capital letter? Because that is how it has always been! Why has it always been this way? Because it's one of the English writing rules.

Why that guy who invented these rules decided to have the first letter in the beginning of the line and after most of the punctuations like so? Well believe me he felt like it! Other wise we would have settled on different rules.

hoW abouT i dO thE oppositE(capitaL questioN marK) wilL iT bE difficulT tO bE reaD(capitaL questioN marK) guesS whaT mY wordS arE erroR freE buT thE builT-iN dictionarY oF firefoX didn'T agreE.

onE creativE maN/womaN oncE saiD (realitY iS optionaL) let'S livE uP a littlE(capitaL exclamatioN marK) diD yoU noticE thaT thE a & i neveR changeD >_< it'S a sigN i a, geT iT(capitaL exclamatioN marK)

Moral of the day: If a fool never existed there will be no one to lead the wise!

The cute thing about fools is that they always try =3

A Predator Prey

2009-03-31T09:29:00.012+04:00

Have a grip Asma!!! You're losing it and soon it will all fall over your head. Act normally and ignore what's happening go back to your frozen cave. There you will be safe. I will not deny that it's scary when you're cave alone, but at least it's safe.

Stop breathing harmony with the best and cute part of the world who has come to life. You will end up hurt and will lose everything as well. Do not look to where you can't reach!

Stay and hold still, this is a trap! It's a sweet fantasy. Always keep in mind and never forget that fantasies are so enjoyable and beautiful because they never last. You should learn to laugh when you don't mean it.

Just like how actors and actress do. Oh i so want to deceive my mind and lie to my lips. The conspiracy takes a lot to plan than to put into play. Could i ever cheat on the grief of my heart and live like a someone else? I really wish i could.

Was i ever lucky, as there were no fairies around to grant me my second evil wish in life. In pain i will stand in a lower station where sad ones always stay. Everything in this world is capable of freezing, except for my tears.

I so hate when i cry. I look like a clown with three noses. I slept on a wet pillow last night, as it was raining no one noticed. I think that's what so wonderful about the pain in the rain. No one could ever see through it.

My problem lies within the cage of my weak body. I want to place some dark steel veins, maybe then i might be able to change the fact that blood is red! How about mercury! I could live on it if i tried, right?

My greatest weakness is that i'm always optimistic even when i cry. I always smile, i always laugh. At some points when i'm actually at the very end of my patience limits, no one can fail to make me beam out and smile.

You could always give someone a break, but could you ever have it, just for once? Okay i need to focus and take this off my mind. Unfortunately, every time i try this line hits me between the eyes: What good a prey for but to be victimized anyways.

P.S. I'm so not in the mood, however i wasn't able to seize my words in my head as i was very close to snap out! Don't enjoy this post because it's pathetic!

1 + 1 = One & One

2009-03-30T16:02:00.010+04:00

A fanatical writer once wanted to prove that every thing in universe follows a certain pathology. I believe not. But i never argued about the matter. Thought it would break his heart. I so wanted to say hearts, but unfortunately he has only one! Poor guy let him keep it.

I have never spoken of it and i never intend to argue about it. I merely wrote a letter to the writer. My was letter written with a one-eyed pen. The paper was a tamed cloud that was forced to come down and inhabit the earth. The content was illustrated with crystal clear water, so the blind could see. And here is what i said:

Dear Mr. Fanatical Writer

A good writer will without a single doubt, convince creativity to divorce the logic within our brains. May be you will not agree with me, but i would say that insanity is actually called insanity because it makes no sense. I hope that was comprehensible!

Just like how chocolate tastes YUMMO for no reason. Try to put it this way, a perfect example of the sanity of creativity would be the desert bear trying hard to get drunk with a bottle of milk and please don't ask how!

I know you have tried so hard to burn the water in my cup and freeze the air in my lungs - it makes me laugh every time i remember what you do - You honestly should try harder! I have new weapons that i have not yet revealed.

Don't take a clown slightly Mr. Fanatical Writer, he can weep just like how he laughs. You can never deny the truth of imagination, now can you. Our imaginary truth has always breathed the very same O2 as we always have! A piece of advice though, i'm just as good as you are the way i am.

Yours,
Ms. Wise Madness.

P.S. Don't forget that write will always equal right!

And he never replied v_v that makes me a winner XD

My New Alphabets

2009-03-29T16:46:00.004+04:00

Can't think anymore, can't write anymore. My head feels so heavy and my fingers are stoned! I can't grab a pen to write a word, but if i did i will write it quickly and erase it in no time. My words have grown old, and become so meaningless!

I need an inspiration! Just like the one i used to have when i was happy. I think that wasn't an inspiration, it was only "another" reason why i should move on, enjoy the day as "they" say, i mean i'm unwillingly living because my heart beats and my lungs breathe.

I want to live in a new era create my own clock, add one more number to the family of 12 to make time pass as i wish more of a lucky thirteen if you know what i mean.

I want to define the structure of my life via defining its rules by using the existing 26 alphabets or shall i say that i might just add 4 more letters to the alphabets, which might lead to add another "natural disaster" like the usual ones that we face every now and again and keep the original 26 for myself.

Nothing can wow me anymore, everything seems to be dull and so bleak. I really can expect anything, anything at all, yet i don't want to process the imaginary consequences in my head, not for the time being at least.

I know that a dead man will never feel another bullet in the head. I need an action or a new era! THIS IS NOT ME~ I used to be happy, what the hell is wrong with me? Has happiness become so expensive so that i can't afford it anymore? I totally live amongst the strangers and still i am an outlandish!

It's the era of the new alphabets, yet i will not tolerate the offense of abusing the old alphabets! I can't respect a man, a God fearing man who's sensible enough, to say "Doublu" instead of a "W" to me that's a crime!!!

I can't respect a person who violates my alphabets, just like how i would kill those who call them something they aren't! Don't stretch or squeeze their names and pronounce them properly!

Old Scribbles

2009-03-29T16:45:00.002+04:00

Nothingness in My Mouth

It feels just perfect when you have nothing to say, when you're totally calm and the world literally seems to be a better place, even though it's not! I deeply love this beautiful feeling of comfort, that knocks on the door of my heart, honestly it happens annually and some other times semi annually. Either ways i can't be ungrateful, as silence sound so loud than the noise penetrating my ear drums.

What Happens Every Day

It was just the usual process. The sun rises every morning and sets every evening. Couldn't have a better chance to prove my existence. I so wanted to point out that the sun is yellow and the moon is white, where as the hospitals floors are always blue and the ceiling is always gray. If i do people would look at me in the very same odd way. People grow heartless every day. Their eyes don't bleed and their hearts don't beat.

Beautiful Pens

One of the things i love with all my heart are pens. It gives me a great pleasure to see how the letters and words are drawn and written on any white space. How the pen dances smoothly against the papers just takes my breaths away. It has always been an A4 by the way. And you should always keep in mind that it has always started with an (A).

No One To Be

To become someone you have to be amongst the no ones. Maybe then you'll actually have a value and prove that you can be someone. Nonetheless, since losers have taken over every where, you can imagine how effing the feeling is of accompanying the no ones!

P.S. These are old writings of mine that i have started and never finished, so here i am i publish them as i wrote them once upon a time. Until next time amigos, adios.

Love Banned With 20 Minutes Gap!

2009-03-29T13:05:00.022+04:00

Two happy couple who have never parted. Their story began as love stories usually do. They for each other before they knew it. But our couple is extraordinary as death can never do them part. This particular couple still survives. We all going to die, yes i know that! The rest of the humanity will too. But trust me and don't argue they are immortals.

He wasn't such a special guy, not at all. Well you would say that any regular one or even below the average actually stands on better grounds, if not higher than this little fella!

About the she our above mentioned he loved *to know the current statement of love-ment replace the d with an s* well let's see. she's best described as a female with no femininity, yep that's how she is.

Hmm, she loved him because he was taller than her. You know females' complex with having a partner taller than they are. And he was crazy about her because she was naturally shorter than him with two Cms if not actually one!

I can assure if they both stood next to each other you wouldn't tell who's standing in the front and who's standing in the back. When they hug they are perfectly the same height! But to him it was "a man's thing" to be taller than her, somehow it enriches his manhood.

They made every one around them forcibly and willingly witness their love. They even became the clock news! They declare their love on DAILY BASIS! I wish people would learn from them.

If our love birds had eyes, i personally believe that they wouldn't love themselves a bit! But do you how they fell in love? Common sense! Their love breathes absolute silence~ I once learned that "a man who pretends to fall in love, falls in love again"

Our tall hero didn't think nor sensed, he merely calculated the logic of being obliged to live with her, and gradually loved her. That's all it took! She however, wanted to stand on a solid safe grounds and ensure a partner to lean on his shoulder and hug from hour to hour rather than time to time.

Well scientists couldn't define the number of female individuals who were in the air and not on the floor who could compete with her to be the chosen one. The statistics settled on four females *one is a tomboyish though* and the rest were males!

Somehow it lifted up herself esteem and the sooner was the better to hook him up. They moved in together after my friend resigned and i was then responsible for them. You know taking care and assuring their doing fine. Wasn't an easier job, if it was about the water and food it would be okay, it was entirely about the energy.

Three weeks back i would say that they were still together and all. But then i got admitted to the hospital and there was no one to guarantee that their energy is taken on time.

Since the March 8, 2009 and just until this morning, until i came back, they stopped talking to each other. They don't even hug at least not at the time! They were away from each other, they won't gather again and i can't do something about it, again not at the time.

Ever since, the gap between the two of them couldn't be narrowed. One thing though, i can assure you that i know precisely at what they stopped talking to each other. What hour was it and how many minutes too. She got stuck at the fifth avenue. And he was at block nine.

He wanted to go back from where she was standing. He just didn't have enough power to do so. At this very instant, i can too do nothing as i don't have the proper power to unite them again.

All i can do is bring new batteries and adjust them again to 07:00 am tomorrow so they can start their day with love, talk and hug each other normally. My wall clock went out of battery and the clock handles got stuck to where they are.

The question is she was waiting in the fifth avenue and he's there waiting in the ninth block, can tell what exactly the clock got stuck at? :P

My Beloved Winds

2009-03-24T00:36:00.000+04:00

The winds used to blow very constantly, it felt quite dazzling back then, the breeze was cool, and the feeling of the wind surrounding me, holding me, made me so happy and comfortable, like i only knew the definition of happiness when that wind ever blew.

The shore was really happy just like i was. The shore looked very different, every single day the she looked so lively, the shore's smile lasted for around couple of happy months according the her diaries, the shore printed her diaries on the sand. Oddly, every word lasted i personally read around 52 entries written on the shore's sand and the water could never erase those journals.

The tides that the winds brought, synchronized with the shore with great harmony and the shore has become "lonely" no anymore. The Shore grew happier and confident everyday. Suddenly the wind didn't blow like it used to. Gradually, it started to blow less, instead of visiting on daily basis, it started to visit like two times a week, then just few times a month!

The shore started to get lonely and become so mysterious. The tide didn't have the strength it had when the wind was blowing once upon a shore. Long time after that, the shore grew old, the sun became very dark, and the wind totally stopped blowing and the tide never hugged the shore ever since.

Whose mistake is it? The shore, or is it the wind's? No one dared to talk it out, eventually the sea started to dry bit by bit, drop by drop. Until the shore lost its moist anyone tries to get closer to hurt shore will certainly get hurt as well.

The shore lost her character, her lively look, her happiness, she lost the wind that brought the tide along. The tide that filled her with life, with love. Even the shells don't talk to the shore anymore. The shore stopped acting like a living soul. It became so dark, unhappy, not optimistic anymore.

The wind has such mysterious powers that brought life to the shore with no mentioned effort. Every time the shore looks at the wind, just by looking life seemed so easy, just like a world with no burdens.

Only the sand is left! Dry sand that's all is left. It could feels no wind nor water! With out an alert, the winds started to blow again, the shore couldn't believe it until the tide grew big and hugged the her with passion she never knew before.

She couldn't believe what's happening, why is the wind is back "You've come back!" the shore said "I can't believe that you've come back for me, why is this some sort of a fantacy? I don't understand" continued the shore.

The wind warmly smiled "You used to be happy! You used to laugh" that's all the shore could remember, that was the only reasoning she could ever recall. "All i could remember is your laughter, your happy and sweet laughter" the wind kept repeating. "STOP IT!" snapped the shore. "I can't believe that you're actually back only because of that, you think i am an idiot?" the shore questioned the wind.

"I think you're a unique shore, a sweet-hearted shore like no one else" softly whispered the wind. The shore started shaking not actually believing what the wind has said.

The shore kept wondering... "How come you've come back!" "You've got a life with the clouds high above now, you can't possibly look down, to come to me to bring along the tide!!" i kept wondering, i kept looking for a answers but there wasn't anyone who's listening.

"I can't make the clouds cry" said the shore with great sadness even though she's loving the fact that the wind has come back yet the shore isn't the same shore that the wind knew once upon a time.

"I love the fact that you're around me" thought the shore to herself. "I love the fact that you've come back", "Yet i just can't say it..." kept saying the shore, "It has gone, gone with the moment that you've come back, was never gone with the moment my beloved winds took off"

Even after the wind has come back, he only brought a lot of pain and rubbed a lot of salt against her unhealed wounds. The shore could never remember nor feel the pain of the wounds the wind has caused, she could only remember the joy that would fill her heart merely by rewinding the wind's smile in her head.

Apparently winds intended to stop blowing for good, yet the shore has never forgotten how much the wind blew or the happiness he was carrying along. "It could never be gone with the wind, as the wind was never gone nor has his smile..." said the shore

Until next time amigos, adios...

P.S. A dead pen's collection.

A Strange Sweet Buzz (BTWH pt. 2)

2009-03-07T16:33:00.039+04:00

A blanket of silence covered both of us the street column light and i. Only God himself knows for how long exactly we looked at each other. As there was no clock to tick around, i couldn't recognize the time that passed me by shoulder to shoulder. Well i don't know about him, maybe he was counting and i wasn't aware of it.

The process was as follows:
A blink followed with a deep look and tailed with a buzz then dark cloak would blind my sight. I turned around to check if he was actually looking at the right person.

Thinking to myself in a total stillness "Are you for real?" Then i pointed my index finger at myself, "Are you talking to me?" i asked him. He remained there with out a word. Just after few seconds, i heard a loud unvoiced passion flowing from where he was standing.

"We're alike you and i" he smiled. Like that would be enough for me to understand what was going on! "Excuse me" i said. Tried to be as far as i could from him. I took around three steps to be ahead of him, as if he'd race me. Without thinking i came back to stand facing him and i was like "Why are you even talking to me?"

I presume he didn't even think about what he was to say next he replied instantly "You're the one who's to me!" I looked at him like an owl amazed by his view "In what terms are we alike?" i nervously questioned. For one more time he buzzed, however this buzz has survived longer than the ones i heard before.

Afterward, a loud click scared my senses and then he remained lit "You're in the wrong place and living the wrong time, are you not?" he said. And the puzzle got more confusing. "How'd you know?" i asked once again.

"I've been watching you for quite sometime dear" he said while casting his eyes downwards. Focusing his glow where i'm no longer looking. Reflecting his light on that lake of tears i looked at earlier.

His light was too bright for me to look at. I too, cast my sight away to avoid a direct eye contact with him. And he giggled. "I've seen you so many times walking down my street, and i wondered why?" he said.

"I had a feeling that there was something more to you. Something more than just black heels walking down this bleak fellow of mine" this time he whispered.

I'm there thinking to myself "Who am i really talking to? A total stranger!" And i'm keeping this on. So lying to myself "Nah! It's totally my imagination!" I took few steps forward to pass him and leave this scene.

He turned off his light. I froze occupying a spot of the emptiness filling the street. After precisely another three steps forward. "Go on then!" he said. I didn't see him but i could assure you that he turned his back on me.

"Okay!" i thought to myself making my eyebrows park in my forehead. I so wanted to leave things are they are i took another orphan step forward. I think i so wanted to challenge him and make him hear my heel knocking the floor as i leave.

But he didn't want to leave things as i left them. "I know there's more to you!" he said. I turned around, in no time he clicked again and lit up my face as i tried to look at him.

I sensed that he so wanted to look into my eyes, but not quite yet. And i shushed. "And who are you?" i questioned with one eye closed as he started to glow stronger. "Just a buzz my dear, just buzz to keep you company!" said his glow.

And he decreased his glow, right after that we made the perfect eye contact. Any regular individuals wouldn't be capable of doing it, the way we did! You can take my word on that.

I think i blushed. As my blood started to run through my veins to play the musical chairs underneath my cheeks. So i pretended that i am clearing my throat, which i wasn't.

And he's there smiling still. I rolled my eyes to the right and to the left. And he's there smiling still. I looked at the sky and started to whistle. And he's there smiling still. I bit my lower lip and then made a direct contact with him with my puppy eyes. And then he giggled.

I hummed, then i gathered my courage to asked "What would you think of, if you saw someone talking to a street column light?" He replied right away "I don't know, what would you?" And i went speechless.

Luckily there was no one down the street to witness me going cuckoo. Because i started to get so excited talking to street column light. He felt so alive as if we knew each other long time back. Or you can say it was more of an old friends sweet reunion.

The atmosphere started to rain heavy harmony. And i got more comfortable talking to him. Somehow i started to criticize myself making a big deal out of it! Being so happy talking to a virtual character.

He saw right through it. You would not believe what he did next to ease the tension i was feeling. "You look so cute, you know!"...

To be continued....

Black Tears Wearing Heels (BTWH)

2009-03-05T11:26:00.015+04:00

Suddenly! It became so quite, i held my breaths to make sure that I'm the only one who's making that noise, the noise of being there. Wouldn't want to bother the dead if you know what i mean! I don't think you actually do, hence let's start fresh, let's walk the never born steps, shall we!

It was a rainy day and the clock hands (seconds, minutes & hours) got stuck on my old memories. I had to grieve for their death for a couple of minutes. Actually, it was one minute if not less.

I was walking and walking until i forgot where i started from and where i ended at. I couldn't imagine myself differently. All i could hear, was the sound of my heels knocking the floor aggressively! Although i was knocking the street as i walk, it was unbelievably quiet!

I could only see myself in those black clothes, wearing a very classy hand made leather heels. Turning around to stare at nothing, turning back to see what's impossible for me to reach.

My silence was slayed as i began to hear a strange moan. A moan that seemed to be surrounding me, i could not actually tell what direction was producing that sound! I moved around like a panicking watering nozzle!

Then, the sky started to weep and eventually it roared. If my memory serves me well, there was only me to witness this drama! Slowly, her tears stained me like a paint splatter. They were so clear that you wouldn't actually see them! But i could feel them all over me.

I didn't move, neither could stop myself from crying along. I thought if i cried no one will ever notice as the sky is crying along as well. But here's exactly what happened, every single tree down that street was staring at me. They were some how ignoring the weeping of the sky.

Staring and staring still! I started to feel awkward, i felt as if there was something kind of a funny writing over my forehead. Which logically will make every one burst and laugh at me at any second.

Oddly, the trees were actually sensing my darkness and sympathizing with me. I got scared and thought that they could see right through me. I tried to wipe off my tears, but they kept rolling over my face. I looked at my hands and noticed some black stains covering my palms!

I looked at my nearest reflection. Looked at the ground to find my face painted on a very small lake of tears. I knelt touching the cold stoned ground with the my tallest fingers' tips. I got a bit closer to base myself down. I looked closely, and here's what i found. Black tears pouring from my eyes.

I held my breaths for a minute. Sighing deeply and questioning "What is this?" I stood right up and kept wiping that black curse off my face.

I could almost swear that i heard the wind laughing at me, mocking my black tears. I started to walk again. My steps were careless, so unstable. I even couldn't leave my foot prints over the wet stones of the street; my heels were so weak!

I eventually became weak, i felt exactly like a leaf who is trying to hold hands with a hurricane! Betting her fellow leaves "I can do it!"

Breathing harder, racing my steps, yet not quite running. My eyelashes got caught up together and it was getting harder for me to see. I almost fell, held my breaths for one more time to hear the echo of my footsteps.

I wanted to find something different, something to shred the bleakness that was taking over the street. I searched for anything that wasn't made of black! Looking at another reflection on the asphalt. The image is somehow different.

It got lighter, this time it was gray! Something was blinking. And with every blink i could actually see things clearer. When the blinking stops i could hear a buzz, i got puzzled.

A dark object standing tall. "Psst! Hey you, heels girl!" the object said. I got closer to hear better, but the light was faster and it blinked again. All i could find there was a street light column!

To be continued...

Until next time amigos, adios.

P.S. For the record i was pregnant with this post one year ago, date created March, 4 2008 and was only able to deliver it today, i know what you're thinking a female camel v_v!

و لا غالب إلا الله

2009-02-24T15:05:00.011+04:00

It's really weird and amazing at the very same time. I usually like to track things by using specific numbers. My birth date for example, which is the 30th of June. I separately use the following numbers, 30, 6, 84 or simply add them together to have 306 and etc. I quite use these numbers more frequently.

I have bought an account with www.VladStudio.com for the marvelous pieces of art Vlad Gerasimov (the artist and owner of the website) makes. Try to pay the site a visit and see for yourself.

I felt like changing my wallpaper and explored the gallery. I have put up the 6th, 30th and 84th as wallpapers before. And just a while ago wanted to see what is the 306th wallpaper looks like. And i did look it up, when i first saw the thumbnail, i was like "Huh! It looks like a carpet like a 110% oriental one to be more specific!" I enlarged it and here comes the surprise.

Before i tell you what i found out, can you think of the chances of finding this out. I mean me feeling like digging up this wallpaper precisely because its number is 306, i truly am amazed. I clicked on it to enlarge it because a deal is a deal and i have to set it as the wallpaper because of the number 306.

"Please wait..." a message is displayed hand in hand with an hourglass, kindly asking the user to have patience while the wallpaper loads. I narrowed my eyes almost making my upper and lower eye lids kiss. I wanted to read the writing in the center of the design. Slowly pronouncing it like a child who has just learned his alphabets, i said
"و لا غالب إلا الله", "Wala Ghaliba Ela Allah" which means "There is no Victorious except for Allah"

I just kept reading it over and over again and couldn't help not to smile. I got really curious and wanted to know where does this line come from. Is it in the Holy Qura'an? Or is it Hadeeth or something? I so wanted to know. So i Googled it and found that it's one of the Islamic Architecture in Spain, in Alhambra Palace .

Alhambra "الحمراء" which means the red one in English, the full name of the Alhambra palace was actually the Red Fortress "القلعة الحمراء" in the past. It used to be a palace and a fortress at the same time. Was also the residence of the Muslim rulers of Granada (used to be known as Al-Andalus).

I was thinking to myself, what if i didn't choose this number to dig up this particular wallpaper, would i ever know all this? Guess the answer is really simple. A number brought along a story, and what a story! Started this last Thursday and just completed it today!

Until next time amigos, adios.

A Kind Definition

2009-02-12T18:34:00.003+04:00

Although, his name initial is not among the four letter word, he truly learned its meaning heart and soul. KIND, they pronounce it \ˈkīnd\ That was the very first word i've learned of his dictionary.

Don't know how we met or why we met! Never thought that the ice surrounding a man's eye ball would be so kind. Creativity and simplicity in designs and drawings was just the start. But then after i have investigated him, i've learned that there's more to know.

Couldn't talk, until he did, yet here i am riddled with the fact of not knowing, how he'd found out that i exist! New pieces of art created a lot of chances to greet and support each other.

The kind definition started to spread through words, smiles and laughs. As the days pass by i discover how much we have in common. I thought i was the only person who thinks a lot of everything and anything, however i found myself a partner to share this habit with.

The only matter of fact that we have never had in common, "who's cooler pirates or ninjas?" I vote pirates and he votes ninjas. And then the argument will last for at least 30 minutes or so.

I truly believe that humans are amusing, they are a combination of theater masks a laughing and a crying one which they wear constantly. One mask gets old, the other mask takes over the play.

Until one day, he started to breath a strange air, he got an infection of the truth. His mask couldn't stick to his face any longer. Would really wish that he kept the laughing mask on for a while as it really suits him. "Being sad and in pain doesn't suit you" i thought to myself.

I kept trying to un-solve the encryption of the crying mask, believing that he is wearing the crying mask now. As writers always add a thrill to their writings, a bizarre truth was awaiting me. It wasn't the crying mask that he started to wear, it was the very same laughing mask, that has started to cry. Still keeping that happy grin he was shedding tears.

A mixture of a silent laughter and moan was a perfect choice for the sound effects. But will the audience ever hear the unsaid! Will the audience be so grateful for the effort put into the play, i believe what the audience is really good at is leaving before they applause for the actor. No appreciation, no one amongst them all, understood the real value of the play, the real purpose of the mask.

Still wearing a laughing mask that's actually crying, he sighed "I think a lot!" i heard him but he didn't know. He was looking at the horizon of the red chairs a thousand chairs but they were all vacant and i was the only one who never left the theater.

Still standing tall on the stage i see him and i hear him thinking to himself "This isn't real, this is an imaginary truth, or the truth of imagination!" he waves his hand to cover his grin.

His words were the actors who were repeating my exact scenario one year back. One year when i have never given up on everyone, not that i have now, yet i only learned to expect less and never merely hope for more.

I wanted to say something that will make sense and ease his pain. So i started linking my letters and gathering my words to say something in a second i inhaled deeply allowing as much air as i could to enter my lungs, but he was quicker.

"Don't say anything, i'm just hallucinating, it's totally meaningless what's happening to me" he said and turned his back on me. I took a step back and started to think of a lot of things a lot of words, meanings, figures of speech that might change this situation just a bit. Something that might take off the effect of the strange air he breathed.

I kept talking and talking trying everything i could possibly make him snap out of it. He didn't react to what i said, but when the time has come for me to leave, he turned around looked at me and said "I'm quite surprised! You've said a lot and said enough! As if you were seeing right though me!"

Couldn't help not to smile at his name because we all try a lot to spread/sell/rent hope and optimism to people to need it. Even though we're so certain that being optimistic at some points is actually a lie.

He wanted to say more and i wanted to read more so before he starts telling me something i react so soon and always say "I am listening" although was reading what he's telling me. Before the curtains were put down he gently whispered "I need a friend" standing like a child who has fixed his eyes to the floor.

I started taking my steps towards him, so wanted to be that friend, i took off his mask to find a very kind face lies beneath. After that, the strange air started to disappear.

I smiled at him and said "You know what's so amazing in this world!" He replied immediately "What?" Couldn't wait until i dug up the question mark after his "what" and said "When you write something to someone who's just so dear to you, and no one else on this planet can crack the codes you've written except for them"

Felt that he wasn't very excited about what i stated then he said "Hope this person understands what you write then", i called him a code cracker but he didn't hear me or may be he did but ignore me. I kept that smile on my face i said "No worries he'll sure understands" i found myself tapping on his shoulder.

I saw a very light smile, which was enough for me to sleep on for the night to keep me hope that things will get better. I promised i will say something about him as he has inspired me for more writings.

And at the very end he gave me something, he drew me a happy face with a very cute smile wrapping his hands around a red rose and at the very top left corner there was a heart carved with my initials.

He certainly has changed my definition of kindness with everything he's done and still doing. He has proved that no matter what happens he can still wear a laughing mask and pretend that everything is okay although nothing is.

Who ever does that is an unknown solider who always prefers to keep his people happy, even though he's not. That's what should really be called a kind person. So just to tell him how he has himself become a kind definition, i dedicate him this writing.

Q. What is the definition of a frozen iball?
A. A person who is just as kind the breeze would be in early hours of the morning.

Until next time amigos, adios.

Evil Drafts & Lying Words

2009-02-10T12:56:00.000+04:00

How could words tell lies? How could they profane the truth! So many has fallen for the bait and so i have! I started writing thousands of words, but none is loyal. My words have become liars, and liars can never narrate a story. My drafts betrayed me and become spies that work for the liars.

I had no choice but to declare war on my words and drafts! They've tried so hard to kill the honest of stories, but haven't succeeded yet. I totally sympathize with the story. Poor little one could never survive amongst liars.

Was too pure and too good to be true. Wanted to hide her from the evil drafts and lying words, so i made her a sanctuary between my ribs and veins and never spoke of her again.

Drafts and words kept searching for over a year now to find away to assassinate her. Tried to persuade my head and hands tell 'em the whereabouts of my story. They made me sign a peace treaty to call off the war for now!

No matter what i never let them victimize her innocence and purity! It is the last thing i could believe in that belongs to this world! It's the last truthful thing that i listen to before i go to sleep.

The end justifies the means, that what my drafts and words believed in. They've tricked me with deceptive wounded pen. I believed him and so wanted to write an end to my story. "Just write a dying hope" that's what the wounded pen said.

And i did, the pen broke my ribs and cut my veins. I thought that i can still fight and defend who is hidden within, but i couldn't. My reality appeared and the hideout was finally found and he took away my story. It was to late to realize that it is the very same pen that i've signed the treaty of peace with.

And to make this scene more sarcastic they've tortured my story before my eyes the dying hope started to spread all over the story. Gradually my story started to weakening. Can't fight any longer, she's falling, the story that was the only truth started to let go. That's how my story died, she died when they've brought her to a world where no honest man lived and no pure hope existed!

I thought i could protect her, but i was lying to myself. I painted myself with shame and regrets to ease the pain, to be able to hold my head up again, ever since! Years pass by, so many drafts, so many words, yet none is honest.

What i've done is that i used a wounded pen to end my story with a dying hope! To make up for the unborn stories, i will sacrifice the pen and make it sketch its last wounded hope, a hope that might survive to live if we try!

Until next time amigos, adios.

No Further Updates Please!

2009-02-01T09:53:00.000+04:00

Just like that "No Further Updates Please" they didn't actually say it but it was clearly heard, like how loud the ticking of the clock will sound at the very late hours of the tired old night.

It was a clear shut down for the sweet factory. The factory that gave a piece of chocolate when i didn't actually expect it. To be specific, a small piece of chocolate with a cream topping.

A smile at the end of the line was always accompanying the message, i mean the chocolate, to be accurate. Until one day the sweet factory has shut down and it can no longer offer mornings or evenings chocolate.

I think because i was growing a sweet tooth and started to get greedy. But hold on a second who doesn't like chocolate? Or even long for more when having a small little bite! Crazy people probably.

Regardless, i am really content to say that i am a chocolate addict. I have reached the point where i have realized that too much chocolate is really bad for your health. But what to do i am always me, and i truly believe what's so beautiful about chocolate is that it makes you happy for no reason at all.

That how it was with the sweet factory, it made me happy with no reason none whatsoever. Sometimes craziness makes sense and so does chocolate to me ^_^

With the factory gone, and i'm certain it will NEVER ever come back i do appreciate the chocolate of updates i was receiving and sending every once in a while. I think my problem is that i can never hate chocolate no matter what harm it does to me.

You do know that we're talking about chocolate right? :P
Until next time amigos, adios

Half a Shadow

2009-01-12T15:02:00.021+04:00

Is it real, that i still can feel? Why have i become so emotionless, can't remember the last time i cried, oh no i think i do it was a Friday, but my tears weren't sincere, or may be they were, what's the big deal. Hard to believe? I guess not, can no longer tell if it's real or not! What is this? My hand feels so cold? What am i holding? It's a cane! A black old cane, why am i holding it? Couldn't find a living creature to answer my questions.

"What a good will you do me!" i said to the cane and threw it away.

It hit the floor causing a very loud noise, it was almost a moan of pain! "Trying to cry are you? I don't feel i don't care~" I looked around, but there was nothing to be found. Glanced at the ground, and all i could see is a bunch of black rays sneaking from underneath my feet to form a half a shadow. An orphan half a shadow. "Is that the best you could do, a half a shadow?" i smirked at it. I tried to move to see its copycat abilities, oddly it's not moving at all.

"MOVE!" i yelled . I ran, i got up and sat down. I jumped and into myself i bumped! Nothing happened, "It's quite useless i think it's not moving a single black ray!"

Not quite marking my whereabouts like shadows always do "What's with you?" i asked, as if it would answer. Suddenly, two long queues of people started to appear in the horizon. People who look like normal citizins yet march like soldiers. My God, so stiff so careless. Couldn't understand why i was amazed though i'm not any different!

They were two long queues, one approaching me so quickly as if the skies started to rain canon balls, the other was waving "I don't care!" I knelt to touch what's left of my shadow, to point at it and ask "Can you people see it? I only have half a shadow!!" no one looked, no one winked. The long queues have come and left in no time. Again, it was me and "it" wouldn't want to call it "him"

I felt so trapped, "SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S WITH YOU?" in anger i snapped. The sun is about to leave this helpless scene, dragging along the rest of my shadow. Bit by bit it started to fade, strings so thin are leaking from the dark spot painted on the floor."No it will get dark, i so fear the dark, don't go stay until tomorrow." i kindly asked and almost begged.

Like shadows have ears, i couldn't touch "it" wouldn't want to call "it" "him", "it" started to fade more and more, so i stabbed "him" to the floor. So quickly that i didn't realize that the cane hugged my ten fingers and i couldn't sense it! Kept my hands down and didn't move, didn't know why i've done that but may be to prove, that even a helpless me can control her shadows. (gasped and woke up immediately)

"Oh it was a dream!"

Threw myself back like the air forced me to my bed. Tried to relax from this battle that was taking place in my mind. Closed my eyes and sighed in complete laziness.Opened my eyes so suddenly, i sat in my bed and undressed it, i moved my quilt away, smiled and touched my sheet to find that my little shadow was sleeping next to me just like a little child.

Nothing seems right, everything's odd, guess that's what dreams is all about they're never rational, yet we enjoy every single part of 'em even the parts with the little shadows...

Until next time amigos, adios...

Two Unspeakable Things~

2009-01-12T07:31:00.001+04:00

Hello people, lately i have been doing a lot of reading *weird* Hmm i have come across a line that says the following:

Don't speak of two things no matter what, Bad things that someone has done to you, & good things that you've done to someone. Honestly who ever wrote that is a wise man.

If you'd come to think about it, we should somehow freeze what we call emotions when it comes to this level, why? Because when you idle your heart your brain starts working, processing & analyzing the current circumstances and etc.

If we were to hate and complain all the time we're not achieving anything. I personally believe that hatred and complaining consume a lot of my energy. I am a kind of person who needs to consume my energy in focusing on my current life, since i really need it and no one is actually helping, so my energy is mine to consume. I need to pay attention to my family, friends, health & career all those factors require a lot of energy maintain.

Being a victim doesn't interest me at all, I don't enjoy being kind, i'm just good at it, that's all. I know some of you might ask "So what we do? Think a a lot feel less?" That works if you actually put it into action, well the mind doesn't actually oppose the heart, you see they always walk hand-in-hand.

However, if your heart gets sensitive around logical and factual matters, then you're simply taking it personally, what you need to do here is just grow up. I have reached a point (been reaching a lot of point lately if you may have noticed :P) where i can't hate anyone no matter what they do or say, i can forgive and sigh now and then, i can still smile at those moments of pain, i can still be an actor when needed, an actor smiling with a frowned eye brows XD try you'll look hilarious, but it does the job v_v

Being nice is what i do best and so can you! Live, smile, frown, laugh and cry. Every moment of your life takes the best of the late five factors that i've mentioned. Always give with any expectations, because people with good deeds and intentions towards you bump into you with your realizing it.

I don't rely on crystal balls when i write down my journals so this would sound really promising and easy. This all came from a personal experience, i know people are different, but hey we all breathe the exact same air and share the very same sun and moon, do we not?

Life could be hiding something in the dark and the worst is yet to come you might think, but you know what when i break down a cup of hot chocolate at Galler Chocolat will always come in handy ^_^

Until next time amigos, adios.

It's confirmed~

2009-01-05T08:23:00.001+04:00

Hello people, yesterday had an appointment at the hospital. It was an ultrasound session *again*. It was a double check as i always say a double check will never harm. My appointment was at 18:00 sharp >.< yet i arrived at the hospital at 18:10 and waited for 35 minutes, however technically they've delayed my appointment for 45 minutes.

I was evil and complained about the time the receptionist made me wait XD my friend was with me however, so i didn't sense the time :P We were really mean, usually hospitals give you chills you shouldn't be laughing your heads off and hi5-ing every now and then, but actually we were. The hospital atmosphere was unbelievable yesterday that it made us so happy XD

We were commenting on everything and everyone we. First thing we do is spotting the cameras my friend gives the security people the criminal looks of suspicion on the other had i look at the camera smile and do the victory sign XD

Anyways, after waiting until it was 16:50 it was finally my turn. I thought the session won't take so long, since i've done it before on December 5, 2008. It exactly took me 5 minutes, oddly this time it took me almost an hour if i am not mistaken.

The dr. marked around 30 pictures. It was a painful process to you the truth T_T As i was fixing my head scarf i looked at myself at the mirror and thought "What if i didn't make it out of here then i get dragged to a basement or something", "You do have benign tumors Miss Asma" said the dr.

I was like "Hmm okay" then thought to myself so it is actually confirmed, yet the difference is the previous ultrasound result wasn't accurate and this one apparently is. I scanned the room with my eyes and was like "Hmm and what do you suggest, a course of treatment or a surgery" She somehow didn't want to talk about it and said "I will write down the report first then we will get to decide what action should be done"

I agreed to that and left as i got out of the room, i headed for my friend, her looks was asking me questions instead of her lips, what happened? what did they tell you? I told her that it's confirmed this time and all.

Then we headed back to the car and i wanted to check my phone because it beeped couple of times during the session. I found 2 missed calls from Timtim and one message from my friend Sasuke who was with me

"Did they kill u?
Or kidnap u for some underground levels experimental operations x-x" LOL~

I couldn't stop laughing as i got the very same signal before i got out of the room we laughed our hearts out that very moment.

Hmm will see the dr. tomorrow in sha Allah and that's it for now.

Until next time~ Adios

A Sugar Free Cup of Coffee

2008-12-31T07:28:00.001+04:00

It's getting really cold these days, the roads are quite foggy in the mornings and evenings. Whenever i drive to work or get back home at times between 06:15-06:45 and 20:00-21:00 the fog approaches my car front glass as if it was some kind of curse. Now this is beauty!

The little white semi see through clouds roaming around the lights of the street, honestly like the lights columns are magnet that draw them near! It's always yellowish at that time. I park my car, stop the engine and get out, believe me the sound of the water drops hitting the asphalt sound so LOUD every single morning.

With the very same scenes being repeated everyday i almost slip as i walk into the IT building, having the cardboard boxes flatted on the floor so the janitor won't work twice multiplied by the number of feet walking in and out the building.

I turn on the lights switch on my PC and sit to my desk. The could mean tiles of the floor purposely blow cold air to make me shiver. I start looking around for a piece of cloth *happens everyday* to wrap myself with. I only find my praying rug, with trembling fingers i wrap it around my shoulders yet it is SO COULD.

I look around for anything else to eat either a snake or a fruit just like an Amazonian searching the area for food to survive, except that i search for something to warm my back, shoulders and toes with.

Again and again the plan fails to start a day without a cup of warm poison. Trying to see how long will i be able to function before my eye lids start falling down with intention of preventing my sight. "Man, i will have to call him eventually!" i think to myself.

Hopelessly raising my phone receiver to dial a four-digits extension. "Alo, eslam aleekom Muhammad, can you please bring me a cup of coffee" i say. With exactly 2-3 minutes i have a warm aura on the top of my desk.

I grab it with both hands to warm myself up a little bit then i draw out my white chocolate weapon, TOBLERONE. Seizing one of the tringles in my mouth and torturing it with a flood of my hot sugar free coffee is enough for my melt down -_-!

MAN!! You should try it, it totally takes me a brand new era. An era with 9 triangles, that none have my initial curved on any of them. I live the dream and feel the sweet taste of my secret weapon defeating the bitterness of the poison in my mug. I want have one right now but unfortunately can't i am on a diet T^T. Life is beautiful with Toblerone XD

Until next time. Ja-na~

Puppet Show~

2008-12-17T12:50:00.001+04:00

Are you the kind of person who would leave their business unfinished? Probably the kind of person who would send someone else do "the" job for them. According the plan things will go smoothly, according to the one who gives up soon, things will take the perfect end of the very agreed on steps.

Comparing what happened with what i would have preferred to happen, i wish it was a simple hit and run. Again and again, even good people change, why? Wish i was the writer, i might have decided who to kill and who to let live. Yet i am just a puppet in this miserable show.

The puppeteer never had enough courage to encounter a contact with his audience. Was forcing his poor puppets into action, move to the right once, move to the left twice. Usually simple tasks take a person with pulse, however to become a heartless puppeteer manipulating the poor pieces of wood, should only require a pair cold hands and few strings.

Probably some black strings will do, a darker than black smile is what wraps the show, now who's to be blamed the puppets for being helpless, or the puppeteer for being evil. Even these poor puppets could enjoy a simple happy ending could they not? And even that puppeteer could be punished for his evil deeds!

But hang on a second the puppeteer is only doing his job. And the puppets were actually made to be manipulated. There's no one to be blamed, life is full of puppets and puppeteers, good and bad. Heartless and sweet-hearted everyone is only doing his job, or actually what their good at.

The question is who are you really? A puppet or a puppeteer?

Until next time~ Adios.

A Smile of Satisfaction!

2008-12-10T07:57:00.001+04:00

Hi people, i know it has been a while since my last entry. Lack of inspiration i suppose, some hallucination and a series of an unfortunate events got in the way lately so count them too!

Anyways, yesterday i had to see a Dr. to speak to me about the result of my Ultrasound, hmm it is somehow confusing, no one seems to be certain, one says something then the other says something else.

I seem to have a Benign tumor which is resulted due to a surgery that i have done 7 years ago. Somehow the remaining of that surgery wasn't completely removed or it grew back again no body knows for sure.

To tell you the truth, i some how feel that something has changed in me after i knew about this. I wouldn't say that i wasn't worried or afraid at the begging when i heard about it, yet i some how feel good and thankful to Allah, i feel a strange harmony at the moment.

I had copy of the ultrasound result so i can ask a consultant later on, a second opinion wouldn't harm for sure. After that, had lunch and headed back home with my brother. Was lucky enough to get an appointment on the very same day so i can see the consultant. I drove back to AD and reached the hospital exactly at 7:00 pm and straight up to the surgery ward on the fourth floor.

Waited for like 15 minutes, then i got in to see the consultant she confirmed that at the time being i wouldn't need a surgery nor any kind of treatment. The future isn't near and i will see her again after six months to check if the tissues grow in size and etc. I showed her a copy of my results and forgot to keep a copy as a reference in case i see another consultant.

My brother phoned to check on me and ask how did it go, what did the consultant say and all. He also asked about the report copy and i told him that the Dr. kept it, MAN talk about blaming which i hate x_x

"GO AND COLLECT YOUR COPY AT ONCE" was having dinner with my sister, my sister in law and baby niece couldn't go back that very instant. After dinner i headed back there yet it was late everyone has left, i went back to the other building of the hospital to ask the receptionist to give me another printout of my report.

The usual, they kept me waiting and waiting and waiting. The result was that they never found my file. I was really frustrated at the time due to that and my back pain. Felt like nothing could every be right not even for once. << Typical human eh!

Was thinking with my eyes roaming in the place with a sense moved my head like an owl staring at a strange objects(humans) she sees for the very first time, blinking now moving my head then.

Suddenly, my eyes fell on a beautiful smile of an old blind man. My God, it was a smile with full gratitude! I swear it was titled (I'm Satisfied, I'm Happy) That old man with salt and pepper beard and hair seemed so happy. That old man, had wrinkles all over his face, i swear to God his smile made his wrinkles smile as well.

His eyelids were closed either ignoring the fact that light exists or that sight doesn't! He didn't want to show a single bit of weakness roaming his eyes like a cave creature looking for a single beam of light!

He had a young man along with him, holding his hand, leading his way and then a couple of young men joined them and started talking to him and he never took off that smiling mask for once. I couldn't stop looking at the satisfaction aura that was surrounding him. How come normal humans can't be likewise! Haven't you wondered?

Kept his image in my mind until i got home. After that, my brother gave me some hard time talking about leaving my only copy with the doctor who has no right of keeping it *quote*! I had to take his blaming as my sleeping pills and strangely i never drank any water.

Hmm some how normal a human being won't be satisfied and actually gets to appreciate the fact that he is by one way or another AWAY living a good life, while some other people actually aren't! He won't appreciate the fact that he's alive unless he loses something. How come we only understand the hard way language? Humans are amusing eh?

Life is NEVER cruel, actually humans are!

Until next time amigos, adios~

Sauteed Veggies <3

2008-11-10T15:29:00.000+04:00

Things weren't actually going well from the begging i honestly have given up already. I hated my day because of my unborn baby-boo. My new car is giving me hard times. None of the agency people, nor the banker or even the insurance company stuck to their words.

Every one kept saying different things all the time, and i was in this on my own. I had to finish work at 17:00 to go back to AD in no time to see what i have got left it's been two weeks yet nothing seems to be working according to schedule.

I thought that things will go smoothly what a naive. I really hated myself along with the events that took place today from calling around 10 insurance companies in AD to the very simple fact of just restarting this whole thing will take 13 days exactly << Lucky number eh?

Went to have lunch at 12:16, couldn't find anything that would interest me. Didn't even feel like having salad like i do all the time. Actually my every day practice wouldn't be fine with out my little bowl of salad.

Reached my regular spot and my little bowl of salad wasn't served yet. Thought that i would eat something until it's served to distract my thinking. Looked around to check if there's an ally amongst the enemies. Cauliflower, Cabbage salad, Red Beans salad, friend chicken, you name it!

Until my eyes fell on a plate of sauteed veggies salad wasn't very courageous to go for it however thought that my day was already ruined so eating something new regardless the result it didn't seem to be a big deal if you know what i mean.

And i went for it, with all what happened i really enjoyed eating it! So the moral of this journal is when your days go nuts just eat a sauteed veggies salad. Trust me you'll love it! So until the car deal gets settled i will keep eating those veggies *sigh*

P.S. I know most people will go we don't actually eat when our mood is ruined unfortunately i do so just wish me luck with the car thing and stop making a fuss out of stupid things people!! *sheesh* It's a Russian Salad by the way ^_^

A Mistake!

2008-08-07T08:25:00.000+04:00

Some people consider a mistake worse than a sin! I don't know if i would believe the same sooner as i grow. I actually don't know how'd i react towards such a situation. Would i forgive and forget, or will i carry the black memories of the past in tunnels of my brains until i die.

It eats me up to lose someone's respect honestly. I really don't want to think about it cause i'm sure that due to my actions i certainly have made things worse! I probably have replied back without thinking it only came out so spontaneously. I guess i can't help out being an idiot!

I really loved parts of the past, and hate the fact that i have committed bad deeds, things happened. Weeping won't change a thing however i can totally put myself in their shoes and absolutely understand their reaction. I have hope that they will forgive not necessarily forget but at least FORGIVE~ All i can do is wait for something good to happen in this case i'm 110% certain that this possibility stands a zero chance.

I will always smile and wave to the old good days and for that mere part of the past i should be grateful ^_^

Don't feel like a good person!

A Change of Definition

2008-07-30T16:29:00.000+04:00

A change of definition to make the air lighter, make the cloud softer and to have the grass greener on the other side, where is that side exactly i actually don't know, in fact i don't think it ever existed.

The side that we can only see in the dead paintings. You have to admit that's no grass is more greener than the paintings' grass, essentially we barely plant any grass, just like how we are running of people with good deeds.

Wanted to have the people to believe that grass is nice! Fresh and live, yet as i indicated at the beginning we always come to a point where we will change certain definitions that have lived and built houses in the our dictionaries since ever.

People change, eh? And so do i, i believe that eventually i will soon breathe the faith of changing. Either i am changing for the good or the worse, it doesn't really matter. At the end i will be serving the same purpose as good and evil are wearing the very same and exact mask what's the point of differentiating between the two of them, why separating Siamese twins?

I just can't see why people are being both, you either be good or bad? Be a man with good deeds or a devil walking on earth, don't confuse the innocence of my concepts! I am a simple person who can barely reads between the lines of life. The books of mystery never visited my shelves.

Life ain't cruel at all, we have always loved to be victimized!! Exactly what i am doing now! Writing with no purpose, trying to pull myself together for losing the reason i used to write for! For not being able to write anymore, for writing what i don't feel, for writing what i actually believe with all my heart is FAKE! Yet i keep on writing to end up no where!

Why, how and when have i reached this stage, i actually can't recall, but i think it was during the days when i used to cry my heart out. I was one of them, i lived amongst them all, yet i believe that light will be revealed, until then i have to live with the rest of all.

We always do that, don't we? We victimize ourselves and then just like how a director wants his movie to end, we always add the fake smile, a little bit of a lying hope and dying faith which have been murdered before they actually saw the light just to make things worse!

I give up to the happening and will go with the flow to become a fake "me" and see if that was to be some new definition to be victimized, differentiated, or criticized for the better or worse!

Adios amigos, until next...

Anonymous

2008-07-30T14:32:00.001+04:00

A new chapter to be written, an old end to be read, a timeless era with people who can't think! A living dead creature that can eat no chocolates!

A child with a number of years that you can't count, a dark age with no sense of kindness. A young child doesn't laugh when you tickle him!! Can't feel fear, can't shed a tear! The reason he lives is that having a beating heart is not a choice, he's just a child who hears a beep that no one else can hear.

A dark little one who made himself a world of a gray landscape, he called darkness home, and made light his ever lasting enemy! Crawling over his murdered life to be a child holding a gun, a wounded blind man with a knife stabbing the air not to get hurt!!

Poor little one he's quite "untitled" just like "me"! With all the darkness within, expressed and compressed, i however believe that an anonymous sweet comment can certainly add little touch of kindness to an orphan blog , just like how my cheeks blossom when it rains once in a blu moon ^_^

A Tissue~

2008-06-09T11:23:00.001+04:00

Have you ever wondered how come words easily flow when you absolutely have nothing to say. I have always wondered how come my words can never touch the air. Can never be heard when they're right, can never be read when they're telling the truth. Just a cruel world i suppose!

Once i finished an interview and waited for my brother in the car for about 15 minutes. Then my hand started shaking i grabbed my pen and desperately wanted to write something. I couldn't find a piece of paper, emptied my bag to look for an orphan piece of paper. I only found my passport, now i know what you're thinking but i didn't do it, i didn't actually write on it i would actually do if it was expired though :D

Again started to look through the items i had in my bag, couldn't even find a receipt, but i found some 2 ply white tissues. It was some how divided into rectangles and little squares. I was following the curves and spaces of the tissue. I wrote so many things that i actually liked believe it or not when i got home i couldn't find that little white tissue.

I think i lost it due to my heavy head, i slept on the way back and i guess i dropped it when got out of the car. I have lost a lot of un-spoken words before. So many shy little words, it's funny that those words that i have lost meant so much to me even though we only spoke once, even though we have made an eye contact only once.

I feel like writing on tissues again. Will give it a try again, would want to know the amount of words that would flow in one go. Shall try a white tissue again or shall i write on colored tissues? We'll see, so happy to be back amigos ^_^

Until next time, adios!

P.S. I believe on writing on Tissues~

An Old New Inspiration

2008-04-25T14:14:00.000+04:00

Some how things are changing, but whether they are changing for the good or the worse i really have no clue. An old inspiration that i have lost for while has come back and i just can't actually comprehend all that action. Kind of too much for me at the time had a lot of things keeping my brain quite busy.

Hmm would you believe that people who have left your life for good would come back just because of a single memory you both shared once upon a time. To me that's more than what my brain construction can handle. If people would come back i don't mind, really because i'm not the kind of person who would let a good intention die because i actually feel weird towards it!

I just find it weird that i would suddenly pop into someone's mind after such a long time just like that. There was no contact no contact at all and now i'm back in the picture, back in a picture where i don't actually smile, back in a bleak picture beneath a foggy glass framed with old wooden sticks that's barely holding its pieced together.

Everyone is smiling except for me, i some how don't smile anymore, because my smiles are fake most of the time. Only real when i'm not actually looking at my past, nor listening to what the common sense says.

I can't even figure out what a simple line could mean, no concentration. It feels very weird at the time and it will get even worse! Let's wait and see what the wind might bring. Hope it's not too old to be new!!

Until next time, adios!

Waiting for that call

2007-11-26T21:20:00.000+04:00

Waited for hours, i was there all alone, just waiting for one call. Waited for too long and i started to wonder, have you forgotten me or do you still remember? Began to check the time on my phone thinking to myself "Oh please call!"

Kicking the air in a very childish act, thinking how i hated waiting like that. I hate the fact that i always wait for no good reason at all, it seemed that seasons started to change from summer to fall,
And still i wait for that damned call!

Then i just got off my chair and start to walk around, breathing heavily and sighing a lot. Thinking shall i come to you and ask why haven't you called!

I will wait and wait, i guess from 5 until 8, so i will just wait for a bit more, because sooner or later i will willingly get into that cold room, and will try to make my last minute decision "Was that a bait? Can i still get out before it's too late?"

And i will start to image everything, everything that happened last time. The moment i get in the moment i want to get out, i know you never cared to make that simple call, when i come to you will force me to a chair, and i feel guilty for just considering the idea of being there!

My hands will start shaking every time you get close, and every time you touch my face, my heart will race, eventually my eyes will get lost, and will no longer recognize the white color that covers the walls of that cold room that witness your cruelness.

I wait in wonder trying to remember the pain you caused last time, yet i have already come to this room to live that pain again.

"NEXT" that voice has called, my feet will guide me to that cold room and i will knock with the hope of not finding you there, yet my hopes always seem to lie to me. "Oh hi" that white voice says to me, "Hello" i reply in pain "So are you ready for the route canal removal?" says the white voice "Ye.. yes Dr." i reply back with no interest at all, with the wish of not being there to hear that stupid call!

P.S. Wrote this piece of writing at the Dental Clinic yesterday after they have made me wait for 1:30 hours although i came on time, but they seem to enjoy making me waiting. Wrote those lines on a sticker, Lebanese Flower Restaurant Cafeteria bill and a Medical Prescription.

The Teddy Yo!

2007-11-26T14:10:00.000+04:00

You look like an idiot, people kick you from time to time and you still smile, i wish they would only understand that it's a smirk not actually a smile.

You never stop staring and never give up the unbelievable desire of holding people in your arms although they kick you as i said up there. You're nothing but a loser!

You stare and stare and you're certain that people don't care! I don't know do you what you're trying to prove here but dude give it a rest will you!

Your skin color changes from time to time and you seem to be fine with it. You let people stain you with their colors and you stand still. You always act in slow motion whenever you get thrown away!

And still that smile stays and that look stares. Your look scares me most of the time and some other times it makes me laugh at the stupid you in the mirror!

This writing is dedicated to the teddy bear i have never hugged!

Inspired by Fahad Tedd I

The (You)

2007-11-24T22:26:00.000+04:00

I want to find the (you) that completes me
The (you) that always saw the little me that always hides in my soul deepest corners

The (you) that calls beautiful instead of sexy
The (you) that calls me angel when i'm really angry with (you)

The (you) that stares at me for no particular reason
The (you) that completes my puzzle of a ripped past and an unknown future

At some points i truly wished that you and i are just one
So i would be able to hear your silent voice that kills me when you have nothing to say

If only misery had a different name!

2007-10-21T20:59:00.000+04:00

If only misery had a different name so that this feeling would have been called something else. Heck with life and those who want to live it. I can never forget about what happened. I can't forget about the times i used to laugh my heart out, i can't forget about the times i cried like hell.

I was willingly a fool to think that life will get better and smile, it has certainly smiled at me but unfortunately was twisting a knife in my back. Back then life seemed so pink i so feel bad for being an idiot. for the times i actually believed i can be happy for once. I think misery is my lucky charm!

Why am i to be living with all this, i really can't take it anymore! Oh dear Lord have mercy please, heck with me and heck with how i feel!

Never Important!

2007-10-20T11:55:00.000+04:00

I should have known that something worse would happen! I mean i couldn't be possibly happy for so long. That's no life's chemistry, you know for feeling so unwelcome, so un-important to those who matter to you, argh. I guess my IQ isn't that good so i could have told that i will be slapped once again.

I actually don't know what's wrong, since you literally don't want to discuss it then i don't want to "push you" just like what you said. And since you really enjoy things being so formal then i wouldn't take that joy away from you.

I really tried to make it up to you but every time i did you were shutting me down, i would literally rather to be a dead person before someone tells me that "you were pushing it!" if i was as important as they claimed i was, i guess their responses would have been a lot better than that!

And this line "do what you think is right" it never came out as they have explained it means. The way this line was said it was more of "HECK WITH YOU!" and keeping that old email was simply because of this particular line, so sad you never comprehended what it meant!

There's nothing that we can't talk about or speak of was something opposing their reactions. Last but not least whenever you tell someone you "i love you" your actions should be based on that love!

I should have simply known where i was standing!

P.S. Please don't jump to conclusions this is a family matter not a love story dilemma!

Life's Chapters

2007-09-19T17:40:00.000+04:00

This life is a mystery that will never be solved. From the joy of a child to the tears of a grown man. From the very opened books to the very deepest secrets that lie in a lost locket. From the warmth of a tear to the coldness of a word.

From the very undiscovered people, to all the unspoken words, from the all unheard laughs, to the very untold story. Sometimes i think to myself that whatever is happening now is back play or my life story that already happened and finished before. And i just get to play whatever happened, whatever was done, and whatever was gone!

I've lived happy chapters and sad chapters. Those chapters have changed me in so many ways, i hope i've changed to the better though.

Times of sorrows can always be played back but scenes of joy and happiness pass by before you can even record them. I'm grateful to who i am whatever i am and everything i am. With everything that happened to me, with all the times i cried and rejoiced. If life is opposing you today it might smile at you tomorrow that's a probability i can't guarantee anything okay :)

Until next time amigos :)

The Grown Up Children!

2007-08-20T15:22:00.000+04:00

This piece of writing is dedicated to the grown up children. Those little big ones who gave up their childish interests, dreams and hopes. To be willingly amongst the beasts who have already taken over this world.

It's for the guts they were born breathing. For the crown of courage they wear above their small heads. For the feeling of shame they made every single one us feel. For the pride you see in their eyes that has exceeded the peaks of the mountains. For the nervous breaths they hold not to get caught. For the racing steps they take to live a few minutes and proudly die in a little while.

For everything they gave up behind just to throw a rock. For every Palestinian child who died for the sake of refusing to have humiliation as their last names. For the grown up children who we will never grow up to be!

A Fairy Tale!

2007-08-19T02:08:00.003+04:00

How come the default ending of a fairy tale is always happy? I have nothing against that we actually need to lighten up a bit! Hmm I thought you were just like anyone else, just a regular "anybody else" What could be so special about you anyways?

Could you be the one that I have always wanted to meet? To have in my life. Could you be the reason that will help me go on? Could you be the motive that encourages me to pass by that tree, that old tree guarding the lonely road that i walk every day! Am I that old tree or are you that cracked road that watches over me? Oh i wish knew and i truly wish that you're "something new" that might happen sooner or later!

I am certain that it's definitely an unusual type of love that no one can understand. A very extraordinary bond that has become quite unbreakable, just a perfect title of a fairy tale, a fairy tale that has finally come true!

Never noticed that my soul was never titled, was never defined until that [K] came along! That [K] that helped to break down the rusted doors that held my freedom in that very dark deep corner within. It's that [K] that turned my whole world upside down whether it was an upper or a lower case, it was just a perfect [K].

To tell you the truth for an second I thought all the 26 letters of the alphabets have turned into capital and small [K]s. It's a fairy tale that starts with [K] upon a time and ends with lived [K]-lly ever after. I'm so thankful and grateful that I met you [K].

For the times you were there for me, to brighten up my day when it was really hard to see the sunlight at 10 o'clock in the morning. For the smile you force over my face whenever I cry. For how big you make me feel when I'm totally feeling down! For the things I forget yet you remember.

Can't remember how we met or why we met! I just get fascinated with the fact that we so alike! Can't comprehend the charisma you've got, but man it's doing the job! You're not a person with a pulse, you are a soul that was found!

Dedicated with love to that wonderful Slim [K] the one and only who calls me a Polar Bear ^_^

Oh Old Man!!

2007-08-18T03:32:00.000+04:00

An old man by the window is staring at a lonely cloud. He wondered why was she lonely! Separated from the others. Was she different, unique or just an outlandish object in this sky. Was she the one that was there yesterday or did she just come now? Will she be there tomorrow?

Questions rumbled in his head. "I'm sure she'll be gone by an hour or so" he thought to himself. Effortlessly he moved his feet they were more chasing each other. With almost a thousand wrinkles covering his face he smiled to add a bit more and thought "Clouds come to stay and leave tomorrow, i'm sure you won't be here tomorrow"

He got out of his house and left the door open. Took a deep breath and fixed his hat, his old brown hat that knows precisely how much hair has he lost. He took a walk along a white fence. He passed his black walking stick hold its silver hand so tight against the fence causing a noise that the grass hasn't heard in a while. Since all the children went away the grass missed that noise, and the air hasn't hugged the people's laugh for years.

Rainy Dayٌٌ

2007-08-18T03:07:00.000+04:00

It was a normal day, a typical normal rainy day. Rain was falling from the sky to hit the ground. The cars' wheels were a bit hesitant. Sometimes racing, at other times slowing down.

The wheels were almost on fire, yet the weather was cold. The water covering the spinning wheels was almost evaporating. The rain was giving the people crossing the streets some really hard times.

They were so worried about their looks, how would they go to work so wet! A man was pulling his pants up talking a few steps then putting them back down again. An obese lady has given up already and just covered her head to save her hair with a piece of paper she was holding in her hand.

Back to the rain people were running crazy just like ants trying to take cover before they are being hit by the lethal rain drops well you know compared to their size. Come on people you have to be thankful it doesn't rain every day over here!

Peace y'all until next time amigos, adios.

P.S. It's been a while i know i haven't written anything i've been busy with college and everything related to that so here i am again :D

Bad or Good?

2007-08-16T05:23:00.001+04:00

Am I bad for being good?

Or am I right for being fooled?

It’s 5:02 am right now. I feel me head is about to blow up. I have thousand of unspoken words roaming around. I can’t stop breathing the mystery I’m being led to. I feel like crying and rejoicing at the same time.

I just can’t solve this puzzle, am I bad for being good? Or am I right for being fooled. My eyes are resisting not to sleep. Just before I collected my words and expressions to write this piece I cried in wonder of what follows, will I ever have the right to be happy? To find happiness in my life.

I know I have things some other ones don’t possess yet will I ever be able to hunt down the happiness that a simple and small drop of water feels when it touches a green leaf. Will I ever be as happy as the dandelions whenever the breeze bows to have another dance.

Or will I ever be happy just once and race the wings that beat the winds at every dawn and sunset. Sometimes I think why wasn’t I an object, but then I think if was to be an object I will be miserable in a way or another.

What’s so funny about me no matter how loud I laugh or how optimistic I get around zombies who don’t believe in hope existence I weep and weep as walls of silence are my witnesses.

How long will I wait more? I sometimes wish that time never existed but then I remember how crazy I get if I forget to wear my watch on my way out of the house I apologize for wishing for that for the loud ticks of the hours that are heard now more than anything else.

This probably doesn’t make any sense but I know that I’m lucky in a way or another. For having someone and not having someone, I sometimes think I’m doing great on my own and I can carry on this way. Man what’s the worse that can happen I already fell from the bottom to the bottom. Another stab in a dead man’s back won’t hurt at all.

There were two occasions when I truly wished that I would die, the night that I was killed and the moment that I was brought back to life. I somehow survived I survive to die again, I mean what’s the worse that can happen.

I think what I’m good at is helping people to choose pink glasses so the world would look a bit better than before, but I guess I never liked to wear glasses to borrow this view of a world that never existed.

Suffering can never be that bad, yet I’m certain that those who suffer always wonder for how long their suffering would last! It’s 5:21 am

The Room Next Doors T_T

2007-04-16T02:41:00.000+04:00

It's been a while, no a long time a really long time, i can't even remember when was i last here! However i will never forget and will always remember that i was in the room next doors. In the room where i used to loudly laugh, silently write and passionately draw.

Sometimes i acted silly and so stupid, yet i was happy, i was so happy. During that time my days were happy too. When i first walked in i was gazing at the place, the walls even the people who were there. I couldn't move my eyes away from the room and out of the sudden i heard some sweet warm laughs as if the room has recognized me and gently laughed to greet me, "Yes i remember you!" said the room!

I couldn't father, i took few steps forward then came back to check upon my room. Now i'm sitting in a room called (The Children's Room) i walked in smiling at the everyone and everything. I was like (Excuse me is this room for children only? Can i sit here for a while?) So i just made myself at home and explored the place a bit more. I twas really nice i really enjoyed ma time there.

I want to have a room like the room next doors, to remind me of the sweet days i once lived and i might live soon in the near future (hopefully) Adios until next time amigos.

Almost Forgot ~ My Papers!

2007-04-06T09:15:00.001+04:00

MAN! It has been a long time, i really can't remember when was the last time i ever held a pen and a piece of paper to write something. I almost forgot how words would look like! Almost forgot the sound of the pen sometimes gently and sometimes aggressively walking against the papers.

For a while i thought i lost all that, yet there was a beam shining in the dark. I miss the time when i used to fall asleep amongst my papers, amongst my words, amongst my thoughts, amongst my emotions and dry tears. My drawn tears that i could only share with my papers.

How long will it take me to get back those papers, those papers that treated me better than humans, humans who expected me to turn over my left cheek after they have slapped my right one!.

My papers listened carefully, excited they were, so happy papers they were, smiled at me every time they saw me grabbing a pen, being prepared to hug my words, being prepared to keep my secrets, ready to hear how i whisper my words amongst their lines.

To draw my dreams with lines sometimes were black and sometimes where blue. My papers certainly miss those small smiles i used to draw in the corners, the smiles that were sometimes fake, but at least they were keeping me company.

A lying hope, a dying faith among some old papers, dusty papers and papers that the sun hug every morning and the breeze kisses every evening. Papers i forgot where i placed them. Some were lost and some were found, you might not understand what i'm telling you now, it's the special bound between the two of us, my papers and i.

Ma Freaks!

2006-11-09T12:40:00.000+04:00

Hello people, this post is dedicated to ........ *drums* Sasuke and 7amoo8a. Well, while watching the movie you'll tell who's who. At the end of the video a control freak will appear <_<

Ma Freaks

P.S. Wanted to add the movie to the psot as i do with images but Blogger doesn't allow that :( if anyone can help me with this please do

So SLEEPY yawning

2006-11-06T12:34:00.000+04:00

Man i can no longer open my eyes. I want a pillow and a blanket and i'll just ZZzzZZ it. Really my eyes are burning and i still have lots of work to do. Momiji and Sasuke went to the canteen and haven't come back yet.

Just now i started hearing their voices but they aren't actually here, creepy :S The idea of sleeping make me yawn like hell. The class is quite boring. You know you're all alone and your gang is not around and they enemy is right behind you and the window of the class is to your right, nice view by the way, lol.

Can't even trech ma face to smile o r laugh all i can is close those eyes of mine and start snoring. Was just looking for a picture that will go with this journla and i saw lots of pictures that made feel worse already.

My bro will come to pick me up at 14:30 MAAAAAAAAAAAAN the clock is not moving i wanna sleep. I sleep anywhere so i'll just ZZzzZZ it in the car, so i just need somewhere to sleep, can't sleep in the class too open. Anyways, i'll try to do ma best not to lean over the desk it feels horrible when you take that position to sleep man.

Theres no one to alert me at all, no MSN buddies and the gang is away T_T, until next time amigos, Adios.

P.S. I hate you all, you slept enough yesterday and i didn't T_T

Class Alone! :(

2006-07-12T03:39:00.001+04:00

Tuesday, 7th of November 2006, 07:49 am. I am class alone well it's not a new thing. I'm always class alone. There's a mate here from BIT class 1 but you know were' not that close. The class used to be divided into two sections, and since we joined the Bachelors program it's there sections now.

When my gang is around i'm not alone at all, even though the class could be crowded with the rest of the other section's girls, but there's no interaction whatsoever. Rocking Pieces by Rascal Flatts.

I have to work on the Flash intro Ma started yesterday. Need to find a proper picture and edit it by Photoshop then replace it with the one in the intro so it would be done in a pro-like way. Will need to have a look at the presentation shorty too.

The girl in the class with me this very moment is talking to her friend from the HD program. Telling how much she misses her, how lucky her friend is to be working now and other girlish stuff actually. I'm not over hearing the conversation, but i can hear what she says because i have ears so that's why.

Oh yeah on my way to college, my older brother, younger sister and i teased mum, lol. She wanted me us to recite the daily prayers and my brother was trying to play a polite role. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to you all and thank you for choosing our airlines. Your captain speaking *beep beep beep* the weather today is sunny and we are expecting some rains later on during this trip please make sure you fasten your seat belts and do not try to smoke in the cabins because they are provided with smoke sensors" loool! That was really hilarious and mashAllah he was copying the tune of how the captains usually sound when they speak to their passengers.

My little sister and i were giggling like hell and mum was like "Say your prayers and stop fooling about! I can't recite my prayers, I repeated them couple of times, hold your peace and be quite" lol i know we were evil but she kinda liked i know mummito.

Oh yeah, the weather was just marvelous. So i asked my brother to open up the car ceiling window and so i would cover my face with my scarf and start waving at people. My sister was like "Would you please grow up you can't do that, we have to do it together, he he he" and mummito got furious loool i always say that to see how she reacts i know how she reacts every time i say it but she looks so cute when she gets angry over jokes lool it's really funny.

Okay enough for now i should get to work, until next time amigos, adios.

P.S. By the way the picture reminds me of Dana she's ma bestest friend and she's short no i mean she's really short whenever i want her to prove her love and friendship to me i draw a star at the top of the white board and ask her to erase it :D lool she jumps her best but unfortunately can't erase it i know she loves me and cares for me but i love to tease her :D every now and then